Sometimes we have to say goodbye to say hello.
It’s an oddity in life really. The last goodbyes, sometimes open up new hellos.
But are such hellos truly what we need? When we’ve let go, and done so with love, should we reacquaint?
Ah sweet mysteries of the heart.
And whilst on the subject of this pulsating organ, I must ask, why don’t the heart and mind ever agree with each other?
To which I’m left quoting a lover not a fighter, Neil Diamond:
Hello again, hello. Just called to say hello. I couldn’t sleep at all tonight, and I know it’s late, but I couldn’t wait hello. Maybe it’s been crazy and maybe I’m to blame
But I put my heart above my head
We’ve been through it all
And you loved me just the same
And when you’re not there
I just need to hear
So, is it hello or goodbye?
If only I knew.
… on a good nights sleep. At least that’s what my mother always tells me. And, even more so on three whole nights of uninterrupted slumber. So, with that said, I awoke this morning to an epiphany.
Yes, you heard me correctly,
And I bet you thought they were reserved only for the religious and saints, eh?
I won’t go in to too much detail, but suffice it to say, my frown has been turned upside down (yep, I’m even using corny catch phrases).
It’s amazing how something so utterly small, a kernel really, can open ones eyes and terminate the bleeding arteries immediately.
It’s also important to note that ones self worth is self defined.
Happiness comes from the inside, not the outside. And, ones existence is not based on others love or acceptance.
So, as they say: “To thine own self be true”.
And the moment you embrace this truth, you’ll truly know.
What are you thinking she asks?
There is no answer. Only the silence that she has now come to know.
What happened to all the words?
It seems they were ripped violently from this plane
only to be absorbed by black matter that will never let them go.
Where is the laughter? Why has it died away? Were there no watering holes to fuel it’s liquid needs?
What of the tears?
They have dried and formed small hills of salt on the plains of her existence.
Where is the proof of lovely times past?
It has disappeared like invisible ink. Only to be seen again when acidic juice falls upon the pages. Revealing what was but is no longer.
What of the heart?
It wills upon itself scar tissue, in the hope of covering open wounds.
But it wasn’t all bad. Right?
One fortune cookie in the bag.
I broke it open with anticipation.
Nil. Nada. Nothing. Zilch.
So, I’m going with the old adage ‘no news is good news’.
Upon wishing me “Happy New Year” this morning, my mother proceeded to ask if I had any resolutions. My answer was “no”. However, I’ve come to believe this is not the case. I do have one very important resolution – to thrive.
The dictionary defines thrive in this way:
[thrahyv] Show IPA
verb (used without object), thrived or throve, thrived or, thriv·ing.
to prosper; be fortunate or successful.
to grow or develop vigorously; flourish: The children thrived in the country.
1150–1200; Middle English thriven < Old Norse thrīfast to thrive, reflexive of thrīfa to grasp
It feels as if I have simply been existing. And, I want more.
I long for vibrancy, electricity, passion and grand moments of exultation.
I want to know that every breath I take, from this moment on, means something.
Sadly, I’ve come to realize that life is much too short.
Within the blink of an eye, we’re suddenly older, or sicker or simply too tired to care.
I don’t want to wake up some day and realize that this magical ride known as life has simply been siphoned away.
I no longer want to let fear hold me back. Instead, I want to use the fear to vault into the unknown. Fear means you’re doing something right, right? It means you’re stepping out of the comfort of the known and plotting a course into a realm of possibility. And yes, there’s always a bit of failure along the way, but it’s no longer okay to let setbacks rule my existence, or the journey I will make for myself.
So, I am resolute. I want to live, thoroughly, compassionately, passionately and fully.
This is my 2014 life resolution.
My new beginning.
And yes, I suddenly have the urge to say “Live long and prosper”. I never said I wasn’t a Geek.
It’s New Years Eve once again.
I am spending it quietly. Dinner at a quaint little Mexican restaurant with my parents, margarita included. And now cuddle time with the precious wee pup. I’ve never really been one for spectacular New Years Eve celebrations. Last year I spent it in warm cookie monster pajama pants, sipping eggnog spiked with whiskey, whilst partaking in the yearly Twilight Zone marathon. It’s 8:36 pm and I’m still dressed, so I consider this quite the accomplishment. Not to worry though, as soon as I’m through writing this bit of fluff I fully intend to indulge in a bubble bath and the movie ‘Holiday’ with Cary Grant and Katherine Hepburn.
Oddly I’m not feeling quite as melancholy as I usually do on this night. I suppose that’s because I’ve finally come to realize that this isn’t the end of something, instead, it’s a beginning. The chance to start fresh and write upon a blank slate.
I haven’t made too many resolutions. Just a few extraordinary ones sprinkled hither and thither, like fairy dust.
So, with that said, I’ll end this brief entry with a heartfelt wish of joy, laughter, love, peace, understanding and prosperity to you all.
Moving is such tedious work. However, now and again you’ll find something worth looking at whilst packing.
This afternoon I found old pictures of my family.
It’s odd to think that at one time we all lived under one roof and called this place home. We were a unit – a whole.
How strange to think that at one time my parents were married and that I shared a bathroom with an older sister. It was a simpler time in some ways. I knew what to expect on a daily basis. I knew that when I woke every morning that I would do so to a house that was bustling with life, routine, laughter, wonderful pets and of course love.
When did everything change? How have the years passed so rapidly? When did i become an adult with adult responsibilities?
Time is strange, it usually feels as if it’s passing much too quickly. Yet it’s always the same.
There are moments, when I desperately long to recapture my youth. I want to sit quietly on a Saturday morning eating Apple Jacks while watching The Banana Splits on a great behemoth of a television. I long for the sweetness of our family dog and cats. I desire the simplicity that was childhood, even though at the time, it seemed anything but simplistic.
But don’t we all now and again?
So, I allow myself a bit of dwelling, and then I pull myself out of the reverie, with the thought that yes, sometimes being an adult is difficult. Then I walk to the kitchen, find a bit of cookie dough and eat it for dinner (something I would never have been allowed to do as a child). And once again all is right with the world.