I’m…

…tired. 

Life has exhausted me.

I feel like a sponge.  One that is completely saturated and spilling over. 

I learned this evening that my Aunt Victoria is going to go and live with her daughter (my cousin) Linda.   She has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer and is recovering from a mastectomy.  After seeing her oncologist yesterday she has learned that the cancer is in her lymphatic system and they are going to have to treat it with chemotherapy.  Eight months of chemo to be exact. 

She and my grandmother share a home together and have for 18 years or so.  My grandma recently suffered a stroke and nearly passed.  Surprisingly she is holding on and is as feisty as ever.  However, I learned this evening that she will be coming to live with my mom permanently as of next month.  She’s sad and can you blame her?  Everything she has is there in her home.  Suddenly people are making decisions regarding her life and she has no recourse. 

I’m so sad but also incredibly angry.  Angry at the universe, angry at life, angry that we age, angry that nothing stays the same.  

So much has happened over the past month that it boggles my mind and causes my heart to hurt. 

I find that I’m feeling somewhat alone as of late.  It’s odd really because I’m rarely truly lonely.  But so much has occurred privately as well over the past couple of months and I truly haven’t had the opportunity to take care of me, my heart and my soul…

Zen And Attachment…

Zen speaks of turning away from attachment and desire.  But not in the sense that most would assume.  Although one of the four noble truths is “desire causes suffering”.  I don’t think anyone will deny this…

I try very hard to live my life this way. 

That is not to say that Zen is telling you “Do not love”,  it simply means do not attach yourself to something with outcomes.

Let what is, simply just “Be”.

So many work to capture things or individuals and that is when conflict appears.

It is the expectations (although at times necessary in life) that one must let go of.   However, this is not always an easy thing to do for we are programmed to desire, need and want.

If one gives for the pleasure of just giving or sharing without “expecting” anything in return then we are free to flow unfettered.

That which is clung to will soon only wish to escape.

Hence the only thing that one can cling to in this world is their own soul…

A quote that I feel speaks of this ~

“But let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you.  Love one another but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.”

~ Kahlil Gibran

A few …

 

Have you ever felt emotionally saturated? Where your mind and soul have simply reached capacity? Where you can’t conceive that anything else could possibly fit into the being that is you?

Have you ever been judged unfairly?

Do you ever wish that we could read each others minds, simply to know?

Have you ever been filled with words that you could not speak?

Do you ever make a wish and wake every day wondering if it has been granted?

Would you give of yourself if you knew you would receive nothing in return?

Do you ever regret words spoken, knowing that they (words) can be someday forgiven but never forgotten?

Will you go to sleep tonight sated?

Can you build a bridge where none exists?

Have you ever cried out in the night and not known why?

Do you recognize the face that stares back at you in the mirror?

Are you absolutely sure you’re right?

Freezer follies…

Have you ever been surprised and excited, only to have the happiness dashed?

I ask only because it’s happened to me.

Here’s the story:

I am in need of something, anything that is munchy. So, while rooting around in the freezer I came across what I believe to be a half-gallon of ice cream. Squeals of delight are emitted when I see that it is not only ice cream, but chocolate.

Need I say more?

No, I thought not.

I excitedly rip off the lid with thoughts of delightful, cold, chocolate goodness.  When what to my utter dismay do I find? Ice. Nothing but gobs and gobs of it.

Now critical thinking would tell me that this is definitely not the end of the world.  However, irrational me believes it’s the second sign of the impending apocalypse (the first was Jesus burning, remember? Stay with me folks).

I believe I’ll just take my disappointed and crestfallen self to bed.

(cue the pity party for one violin)

Thoughts On…

We as humans fall in love, co-habitate, procreate and share our lives with others, all under the guise of “love”.

But what is love?

If memory serves me correctly, love is a deep intensity one feels for another in their soul. 

It is the need to connect, create and share. A feeling so intense that we are blinded by the beauty.

It is the desire to open ourselves up,  mind, body and soul.  

It is subjective.  

However,  if it’s so beautiful, why do people fall out of love?  

In addition, when they no longer love, where does the love they felt for each other go?  

Does it simply dissolve slowly like sugar in water?  

Or does it float away into the ether, hoping to collide with other bits of discarded love?  To be recycled and used another time.

Why do some individuals stay together forever, while others gradually split apart? 

Thus, leaving the beauty that once was vibrant, faded and unused behind.

Is there a formula to make love work?

Is there a potion that will magically transform our lives into fairy tales?

Or are we fated to attempt ‘love’ over and over again?

I have often wondered if I will know what love feels like if it comes along again.  Or will I miss it because of my uncertainty?   

I no longer believe I know what “in love” is, how it happens or what it feels like. 

Or do I?  I honestly don’t know.  

What I do know is that I desire the beauty of deep abiding soulfulness and connectivity.   

But I am fearful.   

I Fear that love will end and I will once again be left wondering “where does love go”?  

Trust…

 

It’s the foundation of  relationships, the essence of all, and the key to the lock that is you.

It’s when you know that someone you care about would never purposefully hurt you in any way,  for any reason. 

It is belief. 

It’s the knowledge that your heart is safe. 

It’s knowing that the ones you hold close and share yourself with will gently take care and cradle you in both the good times and bad.  It is the knowledge that you may share all things without fear of recrimination, judgement or backlash.

It’s the very essence of a bond. 

Without it we have nothing…

“Om”

 

I believe that God is all around us.   

Supreme energy,  universal flow and nature; it is all one.

The soulfulness that we are seeps from our pores, permeates the ether, mingles with others and emits radiant beauty.

There is an emptiness inside of me lately that can not be filled with just things or people. It is the part of me that connects to the earth and it cries out for life once again.

The past year has been a bit of a struggle for me.

One night out of complete confusion and the need to focus and center, I began to pray.  I prayed while reciting a mantra and within minutes I felt a calm settle over me and at that moment I knew that I had not lost faith.

Faith in the soul.  Faith in life.  Faith in myself and in my body.

I realized that our focus is what we are,  and if I focus on gentle words sent out to God/Manna/Allah/The Universe (whatever you believe) that this energy will be returned ten fold to us.

I have spent some time as of late, wondering why things happen as they do in this world and I have come to two conclusions.

The first:

Everything happens for a reason; we just need to be patient and follow the signs. 

Secondly:

Sometimes we will never truly know the answers, but we must have faith.

If we don’t we are doomed to suffer chaos.

Buddhism is peace to me. Yet strangely, so is traditional prayer.  Is it possible for the two to mingle?  Yes, it is.

Every day a miracle occurs.  The sun shines, the flowers bloom and we breathe a breath of newness as our eyes open.

Every new day has the potential to be soul fulfilling,  it’s all what you make of it.

A sigh of surprise when a butterfly flutters towards you…

Watching a leaf swirl gently from a tree to your feet…

Laying quietly in the dark while your mind wanders to far off places…

The sweet warmth of a dog curled up next to you…

These are all forms of prayer. You simply need to be aware.

I find strength in the knowledge that I exist and  that energy vibrates and envelops me.

Life Vest Anyone?

I have decided that the only permanent thing in life is impermanence. Sometimes life can feel like a white water rafting journey. The rapids are quick and dangerous and if you want to survive to tell the story for another day, you’d better hold on tight.

Simple Things…

 

 

Our days are numbered:

live out loud…
be gentle…
love completely…
remember words can be forgiven but never forgotten…
laugh at yourself not at others…
always be true to yourself even if it’s not what you (or others)wish to hear…
watch at least one sunrise and one sunset weekly…
embrace silence…
learn to love the dark…
treasure each breath…
and
strive to always make a difference…