While in a parking lot yesterday, I came across a woman.
I was sitting in the car when I noticed that she was standing a bit away from my window. I rolled the window down and smiled.
She was sunburnt, her lips were blistered and she looked weary and sad. She apologized for possibly startling me and then her lower lip started to tremble. She wondered if it would be possible to help her. She was trying to buy a bus ticket to Placerville to go to a women’s shelter.
As she asked, tears formed in her eyes. Her hands shook as she kneaded them together. I smiled and gently tried to reassure her that I was not frightened or upset. I let her know that I didn’t have much cash, but what I did have I would willingly give to her.
She began to thank me, but I stopped her. I told her that it was okay. That there are times in all of our lives where we have to do what we must and there is no shame in it. She smiled at me and I could see a bit of relief in her eyes.
As she began to back away I put my hand outside the window and told her it was would be okay. Again she smiled, turned and walked off.
But I wondered, would it really?
Was she going to make it to that shelter?
Would her parched lips know liquid?
Would her wounded soul someday be filled with peace and love instead of fear?
I worry lately about finances (as many of us in this economy do). But I have never been alone.
I have always known that my family would be there for me in times of great need.
I have always known love and support.
I would never be homeless.
I would never go hungry.
I would never be on the street.
No one should live on the streets.
Such sadness shouldn’t exist.
Anthropologists will tell you that there are many cultures that don’t understand us. They don’t understand that we “own” land. Land that others can not touch or rest upon. They don’t understand people going hungry when so many have so much. I must say that I don’t understand it either.
Charity starts at home.
I think this is a motto that we, as Americans, need to embrace.
It’s time that we started taking care of our own.
It is time to help those who are afraid, hungry and in need.
Help without humiliation.
Everyone is somebody.
They have a story.
A will to live.
Acknowledge it all. Bring light and love into all of your moments. Be gentle with others, especially those in need.
That is humanity.
I am willing to do anything. Anything, that is, that will keep me from studying.
First, a sock drawer cleaned.
Then there was the mid afternoon fruit water break (shared with Lulu The Princess Bean)
Then of course the requisite walk for Lulu (which was a bit longer than normal).
I believe now that I need to run an errand. What this errand is will remain a mystery (I suppose) until I’m in my car and heading in that direction (whichever direction I feel I should go).
The ugliest word in my vocabulary these days.
I’m saturated with it lately. So much so that it feels as if it’s seeping out of my pores.
The past year has been decidedly exhausting and words can not express how much I long for a bit of a respite.
Being extremely ill last Summer and the 11 or so months it took to heal to a certain point has robbed me of most of my energy.
I just don’t feel like ‘me’ much these days.
Maybe the problem is that I will never be the ‘before’ girl again. But this is hard for me to fathom.
Maybe if I stop swimming against the tide I’d feel more afloat.
It seems that I have an amazing ability to turn things off as well. I believe it’s more like a life saving mode that switches on.
Funny, I still know all the things that are causing the distress, but I no longer feel anything about them. It’s as if I’ve turned off my emotions.
Have you ever watched something from a distance?
Or possibly seen an event happen through a tunnel?
If so you’ll know what I’m speaking of.
Sometimes I think that I should worry that I’m so detached. But why?
I wonder when I’ll return to the emotional me.
Will the switch flip like a fuse that is reset?
And, if so, will emotions flood me?
Will I find myself once again interested in emoting?
Honestly I don’t know.
Right now I am simply grateful that life seems like a movie.
What will the lead actress do next?
Will she kiss the man?
Does she know who she is?
Is the face cream really working?
Will tears smear her mascara?
When she laughs can others tell it’s hollow?
To cry does she cut up onions before attempting a scene?
If she looks 3D isn’t that enough?
Does it really matter?
Have you ever just felt swept away by life?
That’s how I’ve felt as of late.
It’s as if the seconds, minutes, hours and days simply roll into one another. I find that I’m having a difficult time differentiating between them.
I have a list of a thousand things that need to get done. Some little and others rather large.
I want to clean the carpets.
Finish the patio and make it pretty.
Finish this class and ace the final.
Rearrange the furniture in the living room.
Hang pictures and put out bits of pretty, so that the place feels like a home.
Get up early every morning and walk Lulu while it’s still fresh and cool outside.
Bake banana bread.
Finish the four books I’ve started and so much more.
Lately I’ve been frustrated with myself.
I seem to put everyone and everything ahead of what I need (and always have). But sooner or later we have to gather the strength and say “me first”.
I have a new mantra:
I will be happy.
To do this I need to put my house and life in order. As soon as I do I believe that a bit of the chaos that I’m feeling will dissipate.
I’m not used to putting myself first truth be told.
But I’m going to give it my best shot!
I just bit into the juiciest nectarine I have ever encountered.
It was plump, enticing and tantalized my taste buds before they had even sampled it.
The sweetness immediately intoxicated me and elicited little sighs of pleasure.
Delightfully fragrant and somewhat sticky juice, slowly dripped from the ripe fruit.
At that moment all I knew was pure bliss.
How could something so simple be so life affirming?
Should God really have punished Eve for taking a taste?
Shouldn’t we all (taste life)?
It was as if I suddenly knew all the beauty the world held.
Simple, unadulterated joy.
Brought forth by a piece of fruit?
Have I lost my mind?
Is life so provincial?
No, I don’t think so.
I believe that my heart was open and briefly unencumbered. So much so that I was able to truly experience the beauty of the moment.
A few seconds of something simple yet ever so complex.
I have a birthday today.
Truth be told I’m not ready for it.
When I was a little girl I used to cry when my birthday was over. My mother would always find me curled up on my bed filled with sadness. She would ask me why I was sad and I would tell her that all the ‘special’ was over. There was no consoling me.
Strangely, I’m still like this at most holidays.
The only difference now is that I tend to find myself in existential crisis before and during my birthday.
Yes, I realize that it’s a life celebration. And, I’d absolutely abhor the alternative. But I can’t help but feel as if I’m not quite there yet. You know?
Rationally I know I’m loved. I’m blessed with true friends. I have a warm home. A family that I adore and a puppy that is my heart.
But I long for more. Does that somehow make me selfish?
For the past few days I’ve been detached. It’s self-preservation at its finest. No emotion. It’s all stored away in a nice and neat compartment somewhere inside of me. To be unlocked and released, but when?
Oh yes and what about time?
I don’t understand it. It moves to quickly, so much so that I feel as if it’s taken my breath.
Where did the days, months and years go?
When did I wake up 40?
Why do I have turn 41?
Why won’t time stop, so that I can catch my breath, reassess and step back into the flow?
Will I ever feel fulfilled?
Can a spot of cake make it all better?