Time, How Quickly You Move…

 

I have a birthday today.

Truth be told I’m not ready for it. 

When I was a little girl I used to cry when my birthday was over.  My mother would always find me curled up on my bed filled with sadness.  She would ask me why I was sad and I would tell her that all the ‘special’ was over.  There was no consoling me.

Strangely, I’m still like this at most holidays.

The only difference now is that I tend to find myself in existential crisis before and during my birthday. 

Yes, I realize that it’s a life celebration.  And, I’d absolutely abhor the alternative.  But I can’t help but feel as if I’m not quite there yet.  You know?

Rationally I know I’m loved.  I’m blessed with true friends.  I have a warm home.  A family that I adore and a puppy that is my heart. 

But I long for more.  Does that somehow make me selfish?

For the past few days I’ve been detached.  It’s self-preservation at its finest.  No emotion.  It’s all stored away in a nice and neat compartment somewhere inside of me.  To be unlocked and released, but when?

Oh yes and what about time?

I don’t understand it.  It moves to quickly, so much so that I feel as if it’s taken my breath. 

Where did the days, months and years go? 

When did I wake up 40?

Why do I have turn 41? 

Why won’t time stop, so that I can catch my breath, reassess and step back into the flow?

Will I ever feel fulfilled?

Can a spot of cake make it all better?

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4 thoughts on “Time, How Quickly You Move…

  1. Happy Birthday to a dear,sweet, sensitive person who deserves not only the “best” on a birthday but all year and all life. Of course, you know when I look at your age, it’s like still taking baby steps for me. There’s sooooooo much left to explore & discover. I’m still doing it. Every day I learn a new word or a new skill or find a new friend. And it does go so fast, but only when you stand still & look back. While it’s happening, you’ll think a moment will last forever. Why is that?
    Buy yourself a special surprise today. On my 80th birthday in March, I bought 3 jump ropes…. one for me, my daughter & my granddaughter. Now we all jump rope together. Of course, I’m the worst but I’m getting it back.
    Sending you warm & loving thoughts on your special day. Manzanita

    • Thank you so much for the lovely thoughts! I absolutely adore your idea regarding the jump ropes, truly. My mother did too by the way : )

      I have not bought myself anything yet, but my plan is to go out and find a spectacular retro Schwinn bicycle (in a pretty pink)!! There are quite a lot of bike paths that are surrounded by wet lands here. I thought it would be delightful!

      Sending warm thoughts to you, lovely woman!

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