The ugliest word in my vocabulary these days.
I’m saturated with it lately. So much so that it feels as if it’s seeping out of my pores.
The past year has been decidedly exhausting and words can not express how much I long for a bit of a respite.
Being extremely ill last Summer and the 11 or so months it took to heal to a certain point has robbed me of most of my energy.
I just don’t feel like ‘me’ much these days.
Maybe the problem is that I will never be the ‘before’ girl again. But this is hard for me to fathom.
Maybe if I stop swimming against the tide I’d feel more afloat.
It seems that I have an amazing ability to turn things off as well. I believe it’s more like a life saving mode that switches on.
Funny, I still know all the things that are causing the distress, but I no longer feel anything about them. It’s as if I’ve turned off my emotions.
Have you ever watched something from a distance?
Or possibly seen an event happen through a tunnel?
If so you’ll know what I’m speaking of.
Sometimes I think that I should worry that I’m so detached. But why?
I wonder when I’ll return to the emotional me.
Will the switch flip like a fuse that is reset?
And, if so, will emotions flood me?
Will I find myself once again interested in emoting?
Honestly I don’t know.
Right now I am simply grateful that life seems like a movie.
What will the lead actress do next?
Will she kiss the man?
Does she know who she is?
Is the face cream really working?
Will tears smear her mascara?
When she laughs can others tell it’s hollow?
To cry does she cut up onions before attempting a scene?
If she looks 3D isn’t that enough?
Does it really matter?