The Silent Dark …


So here I sit late at night. 

The room is dark except for a preternatural glow emanating from the laptop screen. 

It’s quiet, just as I like it. 

I find that lately the quiet soothes me. 
When I am distressed or simply in need of peace, I seek solitude in darkness and the sound of nothing.
When I was younger I sought noise to keep me company. 
The sound of the television in the background or music loudly whirling through speakers. 
I allowed this cacophony and chaotic imagery,  in the hopes that the word “alone” would not sink in. 

But now,  alone is no longer lonely. 

It is precious. 

In this dark solitude I am not a presence, a pretty face or just another girl. 

Instead I am effervescent energy.  
Free from bodily constraints, the rules of the world and the judgement of others. 
I do not reside heavily on the earth, held down by gravity. 
Instead I float and flit effortlessly and with great serenity in the ether.  Tethered only by a gossamer string that stirs softly in the night. 

In the light I smile for others and make up my outward appearance to please ever watching eyes.  But when it’s quiet and the still has settled into the air and the last of the light has evaporated, I am free…


4 thoughts on “The Silent Dark …

  1. You don’t have to make yourself anything in order to please anyone, ever. As Helen Keller said (yeah I’m on an HK kick lately), “The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.” Besides, I can’t see you so I have the Helen Keller view of you. Seems just fine the way you are.

  2. I like it. In a way, what I’m going to compare this to is “Catcher in the Rye.” You’re going through some adult “coming of age.” My reason for this ….. I just wrote a post about the fact that kids don’t read classics anymore and without reading that post, my granddaughter just read Catcher and she wanted to discuss it with me.

    I think you’re saying that the dark is your freedom & your comfort and you no longer feel alone (now) as you once did when you were younger. In the dark you can be yourself, float freely, almost like an out of body experience.

    In the daylight, you put on the mask (that is not you) but you yearn to be alone in the freedom of the darK. Is that correct?

    Back to Holden Caufield: I’ve read Catcher since it was first published and I never thought he was struggling with being homosexual. Nor has anyone else I’ve ever talked to. Have you ever thought this about Holden? Ashly was perplexed about the book and someone she discussed it with told her he was gay.(?) There are allusions to homosexuality but it’s the normal division between going from childhood into adulthood. There’s far far too much to go into it but I feel this is just a normal kid who is making the transition into a man who will ultimately be a sensitive partner and father.

    I don’t mean to imply that your transition between dark and light implies sexuality but it is a transition, same as Holden’s. Am I grasping for straws. Anyway that is what I felt, especially after having this conversations with my granddaughter just 5 minutes ago.

    Good writing and see…. it really made me think, Used those brain cells for a change, Until later, Gotta run and take Cody for her walk.

    • A very interesting analogy. I believe that Holden was just an extremely sensitive individual. And, no, you’re not grasping for straws. I am actually in the midst of transition. And, I believe, an existential shift (for the good I hope).

      I always look forward to your thoughts, Manzanita. They make me think as well!

      Until later : )

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