I’m filled with restless energy today.
It feels as if I’ve been infused with a sort of alien life force. Something so unknown and strange.
It’s as if my mind and body have been saturated with caffeine. So much so that I swear the smell of coffee beans should seep from my pores.
Have you ever felt as if your soul were desperately trying to tell you something? That if you’re very still you’ll hear it?
I feel there is an answer hanging in the air and all I have to do is walk through it. As one would walk through a mist of perfume.
What is the answer? For it’s not clear.
But the feeling is there and it’s time to listen.
I won’t step around it this time.
Instead, I intend to fully immerse myself in it.
I am in need of something pretty.
It has been far too long since I’ve done anything nice for myself and I believe it’s starting to affect my state of mind.
That is all.
So, here I sit at 4:30 am …
It’s still dark outside and there’s a lovely quiet that permeates the world. I’ve forgotten how peaceful this time of day (albeit extremely early morning) is.
I used to always wake up at this time. I would bounce out of bed a moment before the alarm went off and greet the day. Of course, that was when my body clock wasn’t completely off kilter.
There’s something about the beginning of a new day that brings thoughts of possibility. It’s as if everything one believes, desires or thinks will be attainable.
Life is fresh.
Even the air (which has not yet been saturated by the hot Summer sun) is sweet, cool, moist and new.
I am once again acquainting myself with its beauty.
Have you ever just felt completely saturated?
As if you were a sponge and liquid were about to seep from you?
Did you ever simply want to run away to a deserted island and leave life and all the it encompasses behind?
The idea of such a thing appeals to me at a base level. And, as of late, I have found life quite exhausting and lacking in joy.
Joy; That feeling of happiness that bubbles forth from the littlest things.
I remember the way it feels:
As if gravity momentarily releases you from its cumbersome grip.
This is the feeling that makes everything else worth it.
But what happens when there is no joy?
How does one recapture it?
I’ve always thought it would be miraculous if we could bottle bits of emotion.
Joy. Safety. Love. ‘
Then, during “dry” times, all one would simply have to do is open the vessel to release the essence.
But it’s not possible.
So here’s the question:
Where does it go?
How do we get those brief moments back? So that the rest seems bearable?
When the laughter fades from our days and things seem hard what do we do without it?
I wish to be an addiction.
A virus in the body that makes ones heart beat faster and blood run hot.
A scalding presence that sinks deep into the crevices of a brain, finding its way into the recesses, while melting reason along its path.
A thought so prevalent that sleep can not erase the sound of my voice, the memory of my breath or my sweet scent …
I whispered desires into the night.
As I turned, I felt the breeze catch my softly spoken words and rustle them through the leaves on the trees.
And I wondered; were the sleeping birds awakened in their nests by this information?
Will they tell?
It is life.
Today I stood on the sand and let the cold, salty, dark waters of the Pacific wrap around me.
I craved its soft, cool touch. I needed its beauty.
With each liquid and silky caress I began to feel free. ‘
As I stood there, the salty wind whispered to me as it tangled my hair. I didn’t try to smooth it down. Instead I simply closed my eyes and let the elements affect me.
The water welcomes me home.
It is the essence of my being.
The birth of life.
And, when I find myself emotionally parched and brittle, I return to it.
The beginning .