Are you sitting down?
Good. Because I have something to share that I never thought I would.
And, here goes:
I actually identified with a character in a Lifetime Movie Network movie.
No, I really did.
Let me start with I rarely if ever watch this channel (I am so being truthful!). But,, when I leave the house I usually turn the telly on for the pup (yes, I do) so that she doesn’t get too lonely. And, Lifetime is rather soothing (or at least it sounds so from another room. And really, can she tell what the plot is anyway?), hence my choice.
But enough of that…
Let’s get to the identifying part, shall we?
There was a woman who, for whatever reason is unable to have a child. She and her husband try desperately to get pregnant, yet all options fail (even adoption). They’re ready for a baby, longing for one in fact and yet, nothing. When the woman finds out that she cannot conceive she is devastated. Which leads us to me: I am too.
I wonder what my life would be like if I had tried to conceive earlier?
I was pregnant once, but sadly I lost the baby towards the end of the first trimester. I grieved, I wondered and then I attempted to move on. I thought that this was the universes way of saying it wasn’t the right time for motherhood. I thought I would have all the time in the world.
I have walked the path of life, making decisions based on fear and uncertainty. I feel as if I’ve made wrong choices and become somewhat lost along the way.
I wrote briefly about my experience in February.
Health issues, surgery and ultimately an unwanted yet completely necessary (to save my life) partial hysterectomy.
But what I haven’t spoken about until this point is my biopsy showed uterine cancer.
Stunned and scared I faced the issue head on. Met my Oncologist and made plans for a second surgery (which took place in April). The treatment for this type of cancer is complete removal of all reproductive organs, including the ovaries. Obviously I did not want this, but did I want to risk dying? No. The decision was easy, albeit saddening.
I remember the first few hours after surgery in my hospital bed. I was all alone, lonely, in pain and I sobbed. I sobbed from the depths of my being for hours. My comfort; Intravenous pain medication and antiseptic walls. I was in hospital for five days and then released. I am now 7 weeks post operative from this surgery and life has yet to settle back into ‘normalcy’.
I don’t really know why I’m writing. Maybe it’s cathartic. Or, perhaps I am simply trying to express how important life and the choices we make in it are. Possibly both?
I wish I had a magical wand. One that sparkled when waved. I would change circumstances, re-write life changing moments and put ‘take this road’ signs on every turn I ever missed.
I suppose the moral of the story is this:
Listen to your body.
Hear your heart.
Follow your instincts.