In a moment …

Seasons change, days disappear and hours tick by.

And, with each moment I feel more adrift. 

It’s as if all that I once knew is now simply a faded dream. 

I’m afraid. 

Of change. 

The unknown. 

Heartache. 

Vulnerability.

So many things.

I miss my best friend. Car dancing.  Eating al fresco.  Silly Summertime antics by and in the pool.  Sun saturated skin.  Delicious martinis.  Super blonde streaked hair and the smell of roses in the morning…

I want to feel grounded. 

Where is my center?

Where did it go?

What cosmic – gravitational pull set me into this spin?

Will I ever know? 

Is it even important anymore? 

Shouldn’t I simply put it all aside and start fresh?  Out with the old and in with the new?

But hey, I’ve never really been that great with this thing called ‘change’…

Have you?

When …

.. you believe a tan shopping bag is your dog, it’s definitely time for an eye exam and a new eye-glass prescription.

I only bring this up after spending three or four minutes calling to Lulu (my pup), which led to frustration, due to her lack of discipline and response (to my call). 

However, after throwing a wee bit of a tantrum (me, not the dog) because I was not being ‘heard’, I decided to get up and go to her.

Wasn’t I surprised when I realized that:

A. What I thought was Lulu was simply the shopping bag

and

B.  She (the dog) was sitting on a dining room chair right next to me (the entire time).

Need I say more? No, I didn’t think so.

The End.

And The Moral Of The Story Is …

Are you sitting down?

Good. Because I have something to share that I never thought I would.

And, here goes: 

I actually identified with a character in a Lifetime Movie Network movie.

No, I really did.  

Let me start with I rarely if ever watch this channel (I am so being truthful!). But,, when I leave the house I usually turn the telly on for the pup (yes, I do) so that she doesn’t get too lonely.  And, Lifetime is rather soothing (or at least it sounds so from another room.  And really, can she tell what the plot is anyway?), hence my choice.

But enough of that…

Let’s get to the identifying part, shall we?

There was a woman who, for whatever reason is unable to have a child.  She and her husband try desperately to get pregnant, yet all options fail (even adoption).  They’re ready for a baby, longing for one in fact and yet, nothing.  When the woman finds out that she cannot conceive she is devastated.  Which leads us to me: I am too. 

I wonder what my life would be like if I had tried to conceive earlier?

I was pregnant once, but sadly I lost the baby towards the end of the first trimester.  I grieved, I wondered and then I attempted to move on.  I thought that this was the universes way of saying it wasn’t the right time for motherhood.  I thought I would have all the time in the world. 

I didn’t. 

I have walked the path of life, making decisions based on fear and uncertainty.  I feel as if I’ve made wrong choices and become somewhat lost along the way. 

I wrote briefly about my experience in February. 

Health issues, surgery and ultimately an unwanted yet completely necessary (to save my life) partial hysterectomy. 

But what I haven’t spoken about until this point is my biopsy showed uterine cancer. 

Stunned and scared I faced the issue head on.  Met my Oncologist and made plans for a second surgery (which took place in April).  The treatment for this type of cancer is complete removal of all reproductive organs, including the ovaries.  Obviously I did not want this, but did I want to risk dying? No. The decision was easy, albeit saddening.

I remember the first few hours after surgery in my hospital bed.  I was all alone, lonely, in pain and I sobbed.  I sobbed from the depths of my being for hours.  My comfort; Intravenous pain medication and antiseptic walls.  I was in hospital for five days and then released. I am now 7 weeks post operative from this surgery and life has yet to settle back into ‘normalcy’.

I don’t really know why I’m writing. Maybe it’s cathartic.  Or, perhaps I am simply trying to express how important life and the choices we make in it are. Possibly both?

I wish I had a magical wand. One that sparkled when waved.  I would change circumstances, re-write life changing moments and put ‘take this road’ signs on every turn I ever missed. 

I suppose the moral of the story is this:

Listen to your body.

Hear your heart.

Follow your instincts.

Be brave.

Embrace life.

Take chances.

Sunday …

It’s quiet now.

The lights are low and the house is filled with mellow energy.

Sunday, a day of rest, reflection and peace.   A day when dressing is optional, candles are a necessity and delicious food is a must. 

There’s something so freeing about spending time with oneself. 

Nowhere to go, no obligations and the ability to sleep when the urge hits. 

Classic cartoons.

A sweet bellied puppy with a licorice nose and frito toes.

Rain saturated sounds from an open window that let in cool, moist, delightfully scented air.

And the knowledge that all is right in your world.

This was my day.

Formation …

Sweet lips of berry

Breath of rose petals

Skin of cream

Heart of delicate glass with miniscule cracks

and

eyes of an azure sea

She gently waits 

while imparting soft whispers of a dream

into ears of cool clay…

 

Whispers into the past …

Lately,  I’ve longed for a time machine…

One that would whisk me back to when I was a little girl.  I want to whisper all the answers into her sweet little ear. 

Bits and pieces such as:

Don’t take the easy way as it’s rarely the best way.  Strength lies in the road less traveled.

Do not let fear stop you.  Instead, face it, validate and walk around.  Courage will be your gift.

Your body is a temple. Do not take it for granted, for it is the only one you will ever have. Listen to its call.  For if you don’t, you may one day miss out on a beautiful dream.

Have patience.  It is not only a virtue but a must in this thing called life.  Instant gratification is alluring, yet that which is worth having is worth waiting for.

Love. Love often and with deep intent.  The moment that you harden your heart sadness will be your shadow.

Others don’t matter. Be yourself, live out loud, fight back, stand your ground and be heard.

Be your own best friend.  The world contains people who will attempt to hurt, malign and betray you.  Do not think badly of yourself.  You are a lovely bit of ethereal energy, believe it.

Cherish every moment.  For in the blink of an eye life can and will change.  Remember the laughter, love and passion.  Memories will heal you.

Embrace truth for it will be your guardian.

And, always remember, you are one of a kind.  So smile, it’s beautiful thing.