Auld Lang Syne …

Au revoir

Farewell

Goodbye

All different words that mean exactly the same thing – Parting.

We part with things daily.

So many little moments that for one reason or another escape our attention. 

However,  there are times when a goodbye must be acknowledged. 

Such is the case of New Years Eve.

It is a night of reflection and a time to ponder the fork in the proverbial road.

The new year gives us pause as we remember times past, people we have loved or lost and the events (good or bad) that have shaped us.

We tend to take stock of what we have and who we are.

And then attempt to better ourselves, situations and relationships. 

There are new diets to try.

Excercise regimens to begin, houses to organize and souls to purge.

We decide our path for the next 365 days on this evening.  Making lists on paper and within our heads.

The bright light of the future shines upon us, illuminating fresh possibilities, loves and spiritual heights.

But it is important to take a moment to remember what was as well. 

Because too quickly,  the memories of  the past year will fade into darkness. 

Allowing one’s self to momentarily revel in emotion is essential to letting go.

Because whether you’re ready or not the past is rapidly slipping away. 

Don’t be afraid.

If you allow the universe to ebb and flow, you’ll find your way.

I choose too believe that my destiny holds beauty, delicious love and great fulfillment. 

So tonight, at the stroke of  midnight,  I intend to walk forward. 

With peace of soul.

An available and love filled heart.

Determination.

Humility.

Courage and grace.

Happy New Year.

Cheers!

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Christmas Eve …

I’ve always been nostalgic about Christmas. 

There’s something about it that brings me to a stage of soulfulness that other holidays can not.

When I was a little girl Christmas Eve was magical.

The warmth of a fire, Christmas music emanating from the console, a new pair of pajamas (that usually matched my sisters) and Santa Clause. 

As I’ve grown older it has held its magic.

And, the only difference this year,  is that for the first time in my life I am spending it alone. 

Maybe it’s time to start making new traditions. 

Old ones are beautiful, but there’s always a bit of room to add new too, right?

I’ve been looking for something.  Something that will not be found in a box with a bow on top.

What I want is for the heart.

Fulfillment.

True love.

Longevity.

Intimacy.

Sweetness.

Not only do I long  for my heart to be enveloped in the above mentioned, but my mind, body and soul as well. 

I am missing these things today.

But it’s Christmas Eve and I have faith that one day, when I least expect it, I will receive the gift I’ve always wanted the most.

I continue to believe …

Today …

Grace.

It is the answer.

It makes the woman.

Sometimes it combines with humility and at other times it simply stands alone.

Holding myself with grace helps me to walk through the world gently. 

And, it allows my heart to be without constraint.

So, on this eve before Christmas Eve I will embrace life, simplicity, gentleness, belief and hope.

Gracefully.

The Night …

The night and I are at odds.

The darkness whispers quietly. 

And the words, although not recognizable, permeate my being. 

It’s as if I am waiting for something or someone.

An unatural feeling of anticipation seeps through my pores and yet I know not why.

Sleep eludes me.

I want to dream and be free to fly the heavens.

Yet I can not.

Suddenly, the whir of the heater and the humming of the ice box bring me out of my reverie. 

And, once again, the coolness of the early morning engulfs me.

I wonder, how does one make friends with the night?

Tonight …

Tonight I feel lonely.

It’s as if I am floating in space. Untethered in the darkness. 

I long for strength, a warm touch, intimate laughter and understanding.  Yet all I find is an ever so silent night.

Funny how a girl such as myself could feel this way.  I have prided myself on being resistant to such things such as deep emotion, attachment and desire. 

All I want is the ability to reach inside the depths and find the power to once again compartmentalize.

I no longer wish to feel the ache of uncertainty or the pressure of wanting.  If only all of my feelings would crawl into the shadows once again.

I am ungrounded, without reassurance or the ability to truly make myself feel nothing.

The twinkling lights of the tree mock me as they sit silently judging.  Yet they know no loss.  I turn away.

Wait.

It is the only word I know at the moment. It pulses through my being.

Yet I know that it’s the wrong word.

There will be no waiting. 

For time marches on, lives continue, pleasures are met and the stars still shine brightly in the sky.

I must walk this path alone. Stumbling upon discarded branches along the way. Hoping to find a glimmer in the distance. Sooner, rather than later.

Tonight I am lonely. 

But if I wait the light will come.

The Heart …

How do you treat a heart that’s sad?

Bandaids?

Salty tears to purify the beating mass?

Or maybe there’s a magical salve that masks its pain?

When does the ache of loss dissipate?

After a fracture some of the minute shards are forever lost. Leaving little nerve openings exposed, never to be quite closed off again.

 No matter how much time has passed.

So, in reality, time really doesn’t heal all wounds.  It simply helps to put together the pieces as best it can.

If only it was constructed of iron.

Then, it would be impervious to pain. 

Yet this would make it resistant to feeling as well. 

Sometimes it’s hard to decide which is best.

Even memories of sweetness cause that twisting ache. 

I suppose the answer is that you must hurt.  The pain the heart feels has been earned.

And, hopefully, once through the darkness you’ll understand and appreciate the light(ness) a bit more than before.