Tonight I feel lonely.
It’s as if I am floating in space. Untethered in the darkness.
I long for strength, a warm touch, intimate laughter and understanding. Yet all I find is an ever so silent night.
Funny how a girl such as myself could feel this way. I have prided myself on being resistant to such things such as deep emotion, attachment and desire.
All I want is the ability to reach inside the depths and find the power to once again compartmentalize.
I no longer wish to feel the ache of uncertainty or the pressure of wanting. If only all of my feelings would crawl into the shadows once again.
I am ungrounded, without reassurance or the ability to truly make myself feel nothing.
The twinkling lights of the tree mock me as they sit silently judging. Yet they know no loss. I turn away.
It is the only word I know at the moment. It pulses through my being.
Yet I know that it’s the wrong word.
There will be no waiting.
For time marches on, lives continue, pleasures are met and the stars still shine brightly in the sky.
I must walk this path alone. Stumbling upon discarded branches along the way. Hoping to find a glimmer in the distance. Sooner, rather than later.
Tonight I am lonely.
But if I wait the light will come.