First love …

You were my first.

I saw fireworks when we kissed.

Brilliant red and blue skyrocketing behind closed eyes.

I remember our first hours.

Rain, wind and thunder stormed outside as passion and curiosity blossomed in Porsche leather.

I ran scared after that evening.

But you gently persisted.

And then I fought no more.

I remember your words on that fourth of July –

“We are no longer just friends, now we are lovers”

You were my confidant.

Thank you for teaching me that trust and honor did exist.

For giving me peaceful sleep while listening to your heart beat.

Until the very last day of our acquaintance your kiss brought weakness to my knees.

Thank you for loving me.

For whispering words of tenderness in my ears

and giving me a part of your heart …

I know such beauty still exists somewhere.

I will persist …

I want to …

be read to in bed

laugh uproariously

be sprinkled with fairy dust

find fulfillment

know the answers

weep from tenderness

whisper sweet nothings

saturate my being with tropical sunshine

listen to the stars

dance barefoot in the living room with a lover

catch snowflakes on my eyelashes

sing off-key

flirt

say I love you

wear pretty sandals

and

become a red-head.

What do you want?

Dispelling the dark …

Saturating my heart with sunshine

When I awoke this morning I felt as if a stone had taken residence inside my heart.

Heaviness residing  within its pulsating depths.

Dreams lingered – foggy and dense, polluting my clarity.

While desires knifed their way through.

A longing for tenderness, intimate and breathtaking permeated my being.

I wanted to be held.

But instead the world felt cold and unyielding.

Rather than hide away, I spent the day wandering Cypress shaded trails, while listening to the ocean waves crash against the shore.

And lost myself in little stores that felt like snippets of Wonderland.

Oh how I wish I had fallen down the rabbit hole.

There’s something restorative about the sea.

With each crashing wave came a cleansing breath from my soul.

I meandered and lost myself in a sunshine saturated Winter day.

Letting myself smile for no reason, other than the fact that life and freedom are lovely.

I picnicked in the sunshine by the shore and savored delicious fare.

And, during this day, I came to realize

I am unique.

and

life holds abundant delight.

I suppose the moral of the story is this:

Let the light in.

No matter how dense the darkness feels.

Sadness is acceptable.

There will be emotional moments in your life.

But don’t let them rob you of all the moments of beauty a day can hold.

If it itches don’t scratch …

I must clear my head.

I awoke this morning to a mind fuzzy with dreams of pain and loss, bits of yesterday and the longings of today.

In fact I suppose I could categorize myself as somewhat sad.

There is a slight feeling of need biting under my skin and it begs for touch.

My heart and head are raging a mini war with my soul and I don’t want to be a casualty caught in the cross fire.

It’s funny how this can happen, isn’t it?

I suppose it’s all a part of the healing process.

The new skin covering the old wounds is bound to get itchy now and again.

The important thing to remember is not to scratch.

If you do, you risk a tear …

The Land of tears …

It is a place where we all must go alone.

Where we deal with loss without encumbrance’s and outside noise.

Where we lay ourselves down on a bed of soft, pink, sand and let the ocean of salt water tears wash over us.

Cleansing our souls and purifying our minds.

It is a secret place that can only be found when ones heart is truly feeling and open.

Vulnerability is a requirement, as is humility and gentle compassion for one’s self.

It’s where you go  to make things right.

So that you may, in the future, walk in the land of love once again.

The secrets whispered  through moist, teary, lips will float forever in this land.

And the word “almost” is the sentry…

 

(an older piece written in August of 2008)

Changes …

I feel expectant.

So much is rapidly changing (in my life) and I am literally holding on to the safety bar until the ride slows down.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s all rather grand! But there’s so much to do and be.

I am in the midst of boxing up my current home.

I am not moving until the end of May, but I am starting to relinquish the unnecessary now.

I believe I would rather live in a home filled with neatly stacked boxes, than be left to do everything at the end.

The boxes also remind me that I am leaving behind a place that dislike (both locale and emotionally).

I am moving forward into a life of physical health, spiritual peace and heart happiness.

I started my journey a few months ago, beginning with my physical health.

I no longer eat sugar, processed foods or red meat.  I have inserted organic when possible and won’t put a morsel into my mouth without knowing exactly what’s in it.  Now, lest you think this is an easy feat, it is not!

Quite the contrary.

But it has truly become much easier …

Spiritual happiness begins with meditation.

I find it’s one of the most balancing things I do.

When one is floating in a space between the walls of life one manages to let go of perpetual thoughts, negativity and unsavory feelings.

When you keep all of this bottled inside you’re bound to feel the effects, both physically and mentally.

Whenever I spend time centering myself I am left feeling as if I am in the palm of the universe.  Centered and cushioned from angst, doubt and fear.

As for the heart, surprisingly, it’s much more resilient than we think.

It seems that no matter how bruised it may become, this beating red mass regenerates, bit by bit.

With each breath, this life – love giving muscle mends the fissures and becomes stronger and so much wiser.

With that said, the heart never forgets.  Instead, it simply chooses to remember that which is beautiful. Sealing the beauty within each crack as they heal.

Letting go of the pain is necessary to move forward.

Excitement abounds about the future.

If you want happiness you must rewrite your story.

Start now and let life happen.

Take the path less traveled and let go.

Trust in a power that is higher than you.

Be brave.

Become.

Evolve.

And, enjoy the journey .

Ablutions …

The rain is my confidant.

It helps to wash away the stagnancy in my soul

and brings my spirit to life.

A much-needed and somewhat cathartic, liquid nectar.

I want to walk without an umbrella and twirl in the damp darkness.

While whispering gentle mantras.

Beautiful

reaffirming

words

of

life

love

and

divinity.

Losing myself in Mother Nature’s saturating brine …

Disenchanted …

In the midst of a deep existential detachment I suddenly felt a bit of a pang this evening.

It’s funny how this can happen.

It’s as if a sharp knife found its way into me,  and was, momentarily, working to make its way out.

A deep breath and a mental shake managed to wipe away all traces of emotion.

I find that it’s best this way.

Reserved and without cloying desire.

Life is much simpler when you manage to extract yourself from the mortal coil.

Allow the rational to lead and your hot glue gunned heart won’t hurt.

It’s really quite simple.

Or is it?