Upon wishing me “Happy New Year” this morning, my mother proceeded to ask if I had any resolutions. My answer was “no”. However, I’ve come to believe this is not the case. I do have one very important resolution – to thrive.
The dictionary defines thrive in this way:
[thrahyv] Show IPA
verb (used without object), thrived or throve, thrived or, thriv·ing.
to prosper; be fortunate or successful.
to grow or develop vigorously; flourish: The children thrived in the country.
1150–1200; Middle English thriven < Old Norse thrīfast to thrive, reflexive of thrīfa to grasp
It feels as if I have simply been existing. And, I want more.
I long for vibrancy, electricity, passion and grand moments of exultation.
I want to know that every breath I take, from this moment on, means something.
Sadly, I’ve come to realize that life is much too short.
Within the blink of an eye, we’re suddenly older, or sicker or simply too tired to care.
I don’t want to wake up some day and realize that this magical ride known as life has simply been siphoned away.
I no longer want to let fear hold me back. Instead, I want to use the fear to vault into the unknown. Fear means you’re doing something right, right? It means you’re stepping out of the comfort of the known and plotting a course into a realm of possibility. And yes, there’s always a bit of failure along the way, but it’s no longer okay to let setbacks rule my existence, or the journey I will make for myself.
So, I am resolute. I want to live, thoroughly, compassionately, passionately and fully.
This is my 2014 life resolution.
My new beginning.
And yes, I suddenly have the urge to say “Live long and prosper”. I never said I wasn’t a Geek.
It’s quiet now.
My mind, which races through the days
slows like molasses.
Darkness permeates the room
allowing me to float effortlessly
No restraint, untethered and free.
sparkling bits of universal dust
drift about like fairy magic.
My heart says “make a wish”
Then suddenly, the word appears.
The letters are crisp and clean but with a softness about the edges.
Re-entry into the body is gentle.
There is –
I awoke this morning with ravenous need for –
sunshine, warm, saturating and all-encompassing.
sweetness, soft, genuine and endearing.
large expanses of wild flowers (to twirl within)
urgent kisses – to lose myself in.
Strong fingers entwined with my own.
laughter. deep and momentous.
a gentle hand on the small of my back. claiming – guiding – holding.
ripe strawberries – their juices drenching sensitive taste buds.
the smell of warm earth – ancient and alive.
a lover and a prince (strong and knightly)
passion – liquid and electric.
salty frothed oceanic waves wrapping themselves around my toes
a heartfelt connection (do these even exist anymore?)
a fairy god mother
patience – (O please grant me patience.)
The knowing …
a crystal ball (I might even settle for an eight ball instead)
and, of course,
The hunger continues –
I am learning to put myself first –
It’s not always easy.
But it’s the right thing to do.
Because making *you* a priority
who is able to give.
And, only when you love and respect yourself
will you be able to let others do the same.
I must clear my head.
I awoke this morning to a mind fuzzy with dreams of pain and loss, bits of yesterday and the longings of today.
In fact I suppose I could categorize myself as somewhat sad.
There is a slight feeling of need biting under my skin and it begs for touch.
My heart and head are raging a mini war with my soul and I don’t want to be a casualty caught in the cross fire.
It’s funny how this can happen, isn’t it?
I suppose it’s all a part of the healing process.
The new skin covering the old wounds is bound to get itchy now and again.
The important thing to remember is not to scratch.
If you do, you risk a tear …
There are times, like tonight, when I wish that I had someone.
Someone to help me deal with things that frustrate me, such as a recalcitrant fire alarm that will not stop chirping. Someone to laugh at the tantrum that I just threw, whilst standing upon a chair and hitting said fire alarm.
I long for warm, strong arms that will gather me into them tightly, pulling me into a strong, hard chest.
I want to feel comforted by the smell of warm skin and the sound of another’s chuckle as they rest their chin upon my head.
I need soothing words, sweet murmurs in my ear and calming touch.
I fear that many would somehow see me as weak for such longings.
Yet I am not.
I am a strong, stubborn and willful woman who is quite capable of taking care of herself.
But sometimes, I simply want to let go …
I am in need of something pretty.
It has been far too long since I’ve done anything nice for myself and I believe it’s starting to affect my state of mind.
That is all.
Have you ever just felt completely saturated?
As if you were a sponge and liquid were about to seep from you?
Did you ever simply want to run away to a deserted island and leave life and all the it encompasses behind?
The idea of such a thing appeals to me at a base level. And, as of late, I have found life quite exhausting and lacking in joy.
Joy; That feeling of happiness that bubbles forth from the littlest things.
I remember the way it feels:
As if gravity momentarily releases you from its cumbersome grip.
This is the feeling that makes everything else worth it.
But what happens when there is no joy?
How does one recapture it?
I’ve always thought it would be miraculous if we could bottle bits of emotion.
Joy. Safety. Love. ‘
Then, during “dry” times, all one would simply have to do is open the vessel to release the essence.
But it’s not possible.
So here’s the question:
Where does it go?
How do we get those brief moments back? So that the rest seems bearable?
When the laughter fades from our days and things seem hard what do we do without it?
I wish to be an addiction.
A virus in the body that makes ones heart beat faster and blood run hot.
A scalding presence that sinks deep into the crevices of a brain, finding its way into the recesses, while melting reason along its path.
A thought so prevalent that sleep can not erase the sound of my voice, the memory of my breath or my sweet scent …