something I don’t know
make it delicious.
Tantalize with your words
spin a web of sin
so that I may catch myself in the silken threads.
Hold me close
that mean everything.
Talk to me of the stars and their incandescence
whilst waltzing through a dream.
I want to know what it’s like to be entranced, entrenched and enchanted.
I have felt somewhat restless today.
A feeling of intense anticipation is swirling just below the surface, but I know not why.
It’s as if at any moment I might step around a corner and find just what I have waited for.
I am apt too think that the moon is the culprit.
Its mysterious beauty shines full and bright this evening. Begging to be honoured.
The lunar pull is exotic and somewhat distracting.
It feels as if an invisible line is tugging at my soul. Attempting to gently draw it forth from my being.
And why not?
Isn’t the moon the guardian of the tides?
And, aren’t we as humans made up of water?
I want to let go.
I wish I could lay down on the cool, sweet-smelling grass and simply melt into the earth.
Bathed in cool white beams of light.
I want to ebb and flow like the sea.
While deciphering universal secrets.
I wonder, if I knelt and lifted my heart to the sky
Would we become one?
Do you ever wonder if our souls know?
Do they know the ways of the universe?
Is the mystery of life locked away in a secret compartment known only to our subconscious selves?
Are our lives predestined or does free will overpower and allow us to change the course that has been set?
When we sleep do we let go?
Are we tethered to this plane yet allowed to float in other dimensions?
Are our dreams reality?
Memories of our past and the moments we experience while we drift in the ether?
Is love tangible?
Can you touch it?
Feel it with your fingertips?
Does the air hold emotion?
When we cry do our tears water a tiny secret garden beneath our feet?
When we sigh, are we exhaling our restless life force and inhaling molecules that are more peaceful?
If we’re very still can we feel the earth rotating on its axis?
Does ascension hurt?
Are kisses communication?
Do you know?
It is the answer.
It makes the woman.
Sometimes it combines with humility and at other times it simply stands alone.
Holding myself with grace helps me to walk through the world gently.
And, it allows my heart to be without constraint.
So, on this eve before Christmas Eve I will embrace life, simplicity, gentleness, belief and hope.
Tonight I feel lonely.
It’s as if I am floating in space. Untethered in the darkness.
I long for strength, a warm touch, intimate laughter and understanding. Yet all I find is an ever so silent night.
Funny how a girl such as myself could feel this way. I have prided myself on being resistant to such things such as deep emotion, attachment and desire.
All I want is the ability to reach inside the depths and find the power to once again compartmentalize.
I no longer wish to feel the ache of uncertainty or the pressure of wanting. If only all of my feelings would crawl into the shadows once again.
I am ungrounded, without reassurance or the ability to truly make myself feel nothing.
The twinkling lights of the tree mock me as they sit silently judging. Yet they know no loss. I turn away.
It is the only word I know at the moment. It pulses through my being.
Yet I know that it’s the wrong word.
There will be no waiting.
For time marches on, lives continue, pleasures are met and the stars still shine brightly in the sky.
I must walk this path alone. Stumbling upon discarded branches along the way. Hoping to find a glimmer in the distance. Sooner, rather than later.
Tonight I am lonely.
But if I wait the light will come.
My mind is saturated.
They all course through my brain. Filling the crevices until they over flow like a soggy sponge.
It’s at times like this that it’s essential to cleanse my palate. Not the taste buds on my tongue. Instead I speak of the ones in my head.
I have a beautiful bell.
It is in the shape of a sparrow, formed from copper.
It hangs in my kitchen.
It is here, not in a bowl of sherbert, that I find the cleansing I seek.
Gently I tap the bell.
Then I close my eyes and allow its clear, crisp and somewhat haunting chime to free me.
Within those short moments all I know is peace.
It’s as if I am a child again and the recess bell has rung. At such a time one is unable to think of anything other than pure detachment.
The chime reminds that I must live in the moment.
It’s so easy to become mired down in yesterday’s woes and tomorrow’s worries that we forget about today.
The here and now.
This beautiful bell reminds me to breathe and smile.
And for that, I am truly grateful.
It’s quiet tonight.
It seems as if the past weeks have been filled with noise.
Not just audible but soulful as well.
But at this moment the only sound I hear is the soft hum of the heater working to warm my chilled skin.
The aroma of pine needles and sugar cookie candle wax lingers in the air. Eliciting memories of Decembers past. While the brightly colored Christmas lights twinkle in the darkness, beckoning me to lay beneath the tree and look upwards into the brilliance.
If I did, I wonder, would I be magically transported to childhood? To a time of wonderment and ethereal beauty?
It is during times such as this that I can breathe. Let go. Dream. Wish. Renew.
I am alone at this moment but not lonely.
My soft warm bed is whispering to me. It entices with promises of gentle lullabies and sweet sleep.
I believe I will give in …