Resolute.

Upon wishing me “Happy New Year” this morning, my mother proceeded to ask if I had any resolutions. My answer was “no”.  However, I’ve come to believe this is not the case. I do have one very important resolution – to thrive.

The dictionary defines thrive in this way:

Thrive

[thrahyv] Show IPA

verb (used without object), thrived or throve, thrived or, thriv·ing.

1.

to prosper; be fortunate or successful.
2.

to grow or develop vigorously; flourish: The children thrived in the country.
Origin:
1150–1200; Middle English thriven  < Old Norse thrīfast  to thrive, reflexive of thrīfa  to grasp
It feels as if I have simply been existing. And, I want more.
I long for vibrancy, electricity, passion and grand moments of exultation.
I want to know that every breath I take, from this moment on, means something.
Sadly, I’ve come to realize that life is much too short.
Within the blink of an eye, we’re suddenly older, or sicker or simply too tired to care.
I don’t want to wake up some day and realize that this magical ride known as life has simply been siphoned away.
I no longer want to let fear hold me back. Instead, I want to use the fear to vault into the unknown. Fear means you’re doing something right, right?  It means you’re stepping out of the comfort of the known and plotting a course into a realm of possibility. And yes, there’s always a bit of failure along the way, but it’s no longer okay to let setbacks rule my existence, or the journey I will make for myself.
So, I am resolute. I want to live, thoroughly, compassionately, passionately and fully.
This is my 2014 life resolution.
My new beginning.
And yes, I suddenly have the urge to say “Live long and prosper”.  I never said I wasn’t a Geek.
Cheers!

A Year …

A year ago this evening I felt as if I were on the edge of new beginning

a precipice of lovely warmth that called out to me.

My heart drew me forward

and

my soul accepted the challenge.

This was a gift I gave to myself.

Today marks the anniversary of change.

A change for good, although during the year there have been stumbles.

But for all intents and purposes I have picked my self up, dusted off and started all over again.

I seek adventure. love. passion. creativity and fulfillment.

Despite a somewhat pervasive feeling of bittersweet I still sense the pulsating change that is occurring deep within.

Tomorrow is my birthday.

I will celebrate life.

And, I will honour my strength, soulfulness, and deep determination to find that which my heart seeks.

I am grateful.

Thank you to all who have shown me love.  Past and present.  You stay within my being, always.  No matter where you go, I will always remember the sweetness that we shared.

New adventures lay ahead.

So I will let go of all that no longer serves me. But blessedly.

I am alive.

I am free.

My heart yearns, but at least it feels.

I believe.

Happy Birthday to me.

Buckle up and keep your hands inside the ride …

Sometimes, now and again I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror

and

I wonder,

who is that girl?

Drastic change comes with (or so I’ve been told) image crisis. I wouldn’t say I am exactly in ‘crisis’, but I would absolutely admit that there are times I’m not exactly sure who I am any longer.

So, every time I become a bit confused, I’ll simply reintroduce myself to me.

It will go something like this:

“Hello, you’re new around these parts aren’t you?” “Why yes, yes I am. It’s lovely to meet you, I’m Candice (and sometimes I even let others call me Candy. Although that’s rare).” Then I will smile and move along with my day. I sometimes feel it’s akin to ‘Fifty First Dates’, where the girl is introduced to her life and self, every morning. The only difference, there’s no brain damage affecting me, instead physical change and emotional growth.

I’ve decided the most important piece of this puzzle is the enjoyment factor.

So, I’ve entered the ride and fastened my seat belt. It’s time to hold on and squeal with glee (literally and figuratively).

Change. Health. Happiness. Fulfillment.

An E – ticket attraction if ever there was one.

It is the fear that moves me …

I am on the brink of change, a personal evolution of sorts.

The unknown calls to me, like a siren from the sea.

It beckons, and stirs life into my stagnated being.

Fear surrounds me, but, it is this very fear that motivates me.

There are times in our lives when we must jump into the uncharted darkness, blindfolded, and without hesitation.

In doing so, I believe it’s possible to truly find one’s raison d’être!

For to long I have felt as if existence was everything.  The day-to-day rituals that I once loved, now feel suffocating,  as if I’m being smothered by the banal.

Change is a funny thing, it can brew for years within your being without outlet.  And then one day, without warning, the churning, heated, fluid of life, fills you to the brim.  Your only recourse is to let it spew forth.  If you don’t you’ll drown, slow and agonizingly, from the inside out .

I no longer subscribe to ‘can not’.  Instead, I choose to embrace the positive forces of the universe.

A life not lived fully is a life squandered.

There will be no more waiting for the world to come to me.  Instead, I am reaching forward to grasp the unknown.

 

Pieces of life …

I’ve begun to pack away bits of life

Crystal pretties – ducks and bunnies

Voodoo dolls

Shells with memories

Artwork saturated with sweetness

A pink memory book that holds one finished page

but is littered with notes, receipts and sparkly pieces,

that still wait to be fastened.

Wanting to belong.

Yet somehow knowing they never will.

A dried flower falls softly to the ground – undone from its hidden place..

Books with earmarked pages

all gently wrapped  and placed in green bubbles and brown cardboard.

One soul defined –

and

heart remembered –

stored

but

not forgotten.

Know better …

When you know better you do better.

When you finally have all the information

you’re able to make a decision –

challenge emotions

and

find a new way of being.

The majority of people live their lives in a loop.

Doing –

saying –

acting –

reacting –

in the same way over and over.

Time wasted

emotions spent

and the same path tread.

Never quite able to make it out of the never-ending maze.

I won’t be one of those people.

I now know better.

So, I will do better.

I know everything.

I have read the page

it’s black and white.

The truth combined with knowledge

will ultimately be the key, to the lock, that sets you free.

Self Truth …

I forgive myself.

Therefore I will let go of disappointment with kindness.

Inviting and allowing in the manifestation

of beauty and greatness instead.

With this clarity comes the realization

that my divinity still exists

and

runs deep.

The years of struggle and wrong choices are over.

I embrace the change.

It is –

grace

evolution

and

ever-present.

And the new-found freedom of heart

allows

lightness of being

and

disentanglement.

So, I will journey forth

accepting all the universe offers.

I can see the light

it illuminates the possibilities

and

they are endless.

I promise to:

take the road less traveled –

make decisions out of love instead of fear –

and

do something daily that challenges my soul –

There are new, crisp, pages to write on

so let’s start now …