Moving is such tedious work. However, now and again you’ll find something worth looking at whilst packing.
This afternoon I found old pictures of my family.
It’s odd to think that at one time we all lived under one roof and called this place home. We were a unit – a whole.
How strange to think that at one time my parents were married and that I shared a bathroom with an older sister. It was a simpler time in some ways. I knew what to expect on a daily basis. I knew that when I woke every morning that I would do so to a house that was bustling with life, routine, laughter, wonderful pets and of course love.
When did everything change? How have the years passed so rapidly? When did i become an adult with adult responsibilities?
Time is strange, it usually feels as if it’s passing much too quickly. Yet it’s always the same.
There are moments, when I desperately long to recapture my youth. I want to sit quietly on a Saturday morning eating Apple Jacks while watching The Banana Splits on a great behemoth of a television. I long for the sweetness of our family dog and cats. I desire the simplicity that was childhood, even though at the time, it seemed anything but simplistic.
But don’t we all now and again?
So, I allow myself a bit of dwelling, and then I pull myself out of the reverie, with the thought that yes, sometimes being an adult is difficult. Then I walk to the kitchen, find a bit of cookie dough and eat it for dinner (something I would never have been allowed to do as a child). And once again all is right with the world.
Sometimes the enormity of life, its lessons, sad moments, desires, wishes and realities just hits you. Somewhat like a pie in the face. And, when that happens there are many emotional responses.
Sadness. Finality. Rationalization. Grief. Existentialism. Hope.
It’s important to validate every salt filled liquid feeling that has drenched your soul.
You have earned the intensity.
But remember when the internalized storm has passed that the hope prevails.
Cling to it as if it were a life raft.
Don’t let go, for the harder you hold on the more it embeds itself into your being.
So tonight, although feeling somewhat lost in the swells, I see the hope manifesting itself as beautiful clouds floating above me. Preparing to release bits of fluffy joy laden rain onto my lips and eyelids.
I remain ever grateful.
for my life. love of family. sweet puppy cuddles. friends and a bountiful future.
Hallelujah she exclaimed!
I miss my father.
I’ve been thinking of him lately.
It’s odd really.
I have wondered recently what it would be like to talk to him about relationships and guys.
Strangely, we never did when I was growing up.
And now that he’s gone, it’s something I find I would really like to discuss.
Well that and the fascination that people have with football.
You see, my father loved the sport. So much so that when I was growing up, my mother made him promise to spend one day a weekend with the family. You may not think this would be much of a hardship, however to my father it was like being asked to donate an organ on a weekly basis.
I imagine that today would have made him very happy. Even though his beloved 49er’s weren’t in the game.
It’s at times like this that I wish I could see his handsome face light up with child like excitement once more.
Michael (my father) loved life, holidays, Summer time, BBQ’s and so many other special things.
I realize that I am just 6 years younger than he was at his death.
He was much too young.
I am feeling the wee’est bit passive aggressive this afternoon.
Now, as a rule, I rarely ever have this urge. However, for some reason this evening is different.
But here’s the question: Am I truly being passive aggressive if I’m aware of my emotions?
You’re stumped right?
So, instead of analyzing my feelings or giving in to them (and trust me, nothing good can come of this), I had a glass of wine and listened to a bit of Vivaldi. Oh yes, I also fantasized about cream puffs, but that’s a whole other topic in itself!
I guess the bottom line is this:
Self awareness is the key.