Know it all …

I know quite a bit.

I listen and take in (to some surprise) what most people say. Intimates, acquaintances and strangers alike. It’s simply a ‘thing’ with me.  I also tend to remember what is said, in detail. Another oddity, but quite true.

So, with that qualifier here is my question – is it important to press a matter when you know you’re right?

Should one let go even though they’re quite sure of what they’re speaking about if another simply refuses to listen or believe?

When does being right become detrimental to relationships, life, love and perhaps even sanity?

Most who know me will tell you that I am a ‘know it all’. And, it’s quite true. I’m the first to admit this. I’m also quite opinionated as well (this is rhetorical, so if you know me, there is NO need for response, capiche?).  But, my opinions stem from moments of truth, moral responsibility and particularly situations where dire consequences may come to play. It’s my personality. So sue me (okay, don’t really).

I am passionate, compassionate, outspoken and stubborn. All rolled up in a sweet flaky pastry shell.

Huh, am I making any sense?

At this point you’re more than likely trying to figure out what the point or moral of the story is. Right? Well, there truly isn’t one. I believe I am simply trying to put something into perspective within my mind and soul. And, of course, I would like to ultimately find the answer of how to let things go.

 

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Ramblings on life …

Life is messy.

Full of emotions, desire, wants and needs.

It is gratuitous, beautiful, frightening and compelling.

Days pass, moments happen, love disappears, tears fall, passion kindles and laughter bubbles.

And through it all we remain ever hopeful.

Hopeful that we’ll meet our true love, feel passion, know are souls purpose, bring joy to others, make ends meet, continue to grow, retain good health, foster our faith and spirituality, and be understood …

Sometimes, it’s difficult to see through the thick haze of disappointment that envelops us.  But we must try. For beyond the haze is an enormous, sparkling, never-ending well of possibility.

It’s strange how we tend to analyze our lives more at certain times of the year.  Most specifically at the end of each year.  It’s when we tally up the good, the bad and the ugly. Giving ourselves a score, so to speak.  Did we achieve our goals? Was love found or lost? Did we grow older or simply old?

It’s the time of year when we take stock, make resolutions and invest in ourselves.

It’s newness enveloped in possibility.

So, as you look behind, make sure not too linger.  Keep moving forward and let your heart be grateful and light.

Happy (early) New Year!

Sometimes …

Sometimes the enormity of life, its lessons, sad moments, desires, wishes and realities just hits you. Somewhat like a pie in the face. And, when that happens there are many emotional responses.

Sadness. Finality. Rationalization. Grief. Existentialism. Hope.

It’s important to validate every salt filled liquid feeling that has drenched your soul.

You have earned the intensity.

But remember when the internalized storm has passed that the hope prevails.

Cling to it as if it were a life raft.

Don’t let go, for the harder you hold on the more it embeds itself into your being.

So tonight, although feeling somewhat lost in the swells, I see the hope manifesting itself as beautiful clouds floating above me.  Preparing to release bits of fluffy joy laden rain onto my lips and eyelids.

I remain ever grateful.

for my life. love of family. sweet puppy cuddles. friends and a bountiful future.

Hallelujah she exclaimed!

Buckle up and keep your hands inside the ride …

Sometimes, now and again I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror

and

I wonder,

who is that girl?

Drastic change comes with (or so I’ve been told) image crisis. I wouldn’t say I am exactly in ‘crisis’, but I would absolutely admit that there are times I’m not exactly sure who I am any longer.

So, every time I become a bit confused, I’ll simply reintroduce myself to me.

It will go something like this:

“Hello, you’re new around these parts aren’t you?” “Why yes, yes I am. It’s lovely to meet you, I’m Candice (and sometimes I even let others call me Candy. Although that’s rare).” Then I will smile and move along with my day. I sometimes feel it’s akin to ‘Fifty First Dates’, where the girl is introduced to her life and self, every morning. The only difference, there’s no brain damage affecting me, instead physical change and emotional growth.

I’ve decided the most important piece of this puzzle is the enjoyment factor.

So, I’ve entered the ride and fastened my seat belt. It’s time to hold on and squeal with glee (literally and figuratively).

Change. Health. Happiness. Fulfillment.

An E – ticket attraction if ever there was one.

Happiness is …

an iced decaf latte

warm sunshine

a pups smile

productivity

Wen hair (no, really, it is)

new beginnings

loving my body

sweet – juicy – organic pears

a long walk  …

(for starters)

Life is lovely.

And The Moral Of The Story Is …

Are you sitting down?

Good. Because I have something to share that I never thought I would.

And, here goes: 

I actually identified with a character in a Lifetime Movie Network movie.

No, I really did.  

Let me start with I rarely if ever watch this channel (I am so being truthful!). But,, when I leave the house I usually turn the telly on for the pup (yes, I do) so that she doesn’t get too lonely.  And, Lifetime is rather soothing (or at least it sounds so from another room.  And really, can she tell what the plot is anyway?), hence my choice.

But enough of that…

Let’s get to the identifying part, shall we?

There was a woman who, for whatever reason is unable to have a child.  She and her husband try desperately to get pregnant, yet all options fail (even adoption).  They’re ready for a baby, longing for one in fact and yet, nothing.  When the woman finds out that she cannot conceive she is devastated.  Which leads us to me: I am too. 

I wonder what my life would be like if I had tried to conceive earlier?

I was pregnant once, but sadly I lost the baby towards the end of the first trimester.  I grieved, I wondered and then I attempted to move on.  I thought that this was the universes way of saying it wasn’t the right time for motherhood.  I thought I would have all the time in the world. 

I didn’t. 

I have walked the path of life, making decisions based on fear and uncertainty.  I feel as if I’ve made wrong choices and become somewhat lost along the way. 

I wrote briefly about my experience in February. 

Health issues, surgery and ultimately an unwanted yet completely necessary (to save my life) partial hysterectomy. 

But what I haven’t spoken about until this point is my biopsy showed uterine cancer. 

Stunned and scared I faced the issue head on.  Met my Oncologist and made plans for a second surgery (which took place in April).  The treatment for this type of cancer is complete removal of all reproductive organs, including the ovaries.  Obviously I did not want this, but did I want to risk dying? No. The decision was easy, albeit saddening.

I remember the first few hours after surgery in my hospital bed.  I was all alone, lonely, in pain and I sobbed.  I sobbed from the depths of my being for hours.  My comfort; Intravenous pain medication and antiseptic walls.  I was in hospital for five days and then released. I am now 7 weeks post operative from this surgery and life has yet to settle back into ‘normalcy’.

I don’t really know why I’m writing. Maybe it’s cathartic.  Or, perhaps I am simply trying to express how important life and the choices we make in it are. Possibly both?

I wish I had a magical wand. One that sparkled when waved.  I would change circumstances, re-write life changing moments and put ‘take this road’ signs on every turn I ever missed. 

I suppose the moral of the story is this:

Listen to your body.

Hear your heart.

Follow your instincts.

Be brave.

Embrace life.

Take chances.