In the end.

What are you thinking she asks?

There is no answer. Only the silence that she has now come to know.

What happened to all the words?

It seems they were ripped violently from this plane

only to be absorbed by black matter that will never let them go.

Where is the laughter? Why has it died away? Were there no watering holes to fuel it’s liquid needs?

What of the tears?

They have dried and formed small hills of salt on the plains of her existence.

Where is the proof of lovely times past?

It has disappeared like invisible ink.  Only to be seen again when acidic juice falls upon the pages. Revealing what was but is no longer.

What of the heart?

It wills upon itself scar tissue, in the hope of covering open wounds.

But it wasn’t all bad. Right?

 

Connections (Written in 2007, yet it seems somewhat fitting to share it once again at this moment in my life)

To me a connection is soulful. 

It is the moment that two souls realize they share a bond, whether it is from the past or present.

I believe that small connections are made on a daily basis, and that these small moments shape our minutes, hours, days and lives.  Yet we just don’t realize it at the time. 

Our  days are filled with noise, commotion, deadlines, stress and other mundane issues that insist on our attention.  So who has the time to truly see the infinitesimal moments that help to create the energy of who we are.

Then there are the larger connections,  the ones that we immediately realize will profoundly affect us in some way. 

The electrical currents that run from one individual to another for reasons that we are unaware of. 

When we unconsciously decide to share our self with another because we feel that magnetic pull. 

Walls are slowly lowered, lives are spoken of, secrets revealed and emotions shared. 

There are mental, spiritual, sexual and metaphysical connections that can be made with others.  But what happens when all of these different aspects are present? What does it mean? 

I once loved a man so deeply that I truly knew his thoughts or at least felt them.  I was aware of his needs without him ever verbalizing them.  I knew his presence from afar, even if my back were turned towards him (I could feel him and it (his energy) would cause me to momentarily stop breathing) I simply knew..

When he touched me, the entire world fell away and all I knew was a floating, warm sensation that enveloped me.  I would melt ~

His voice, his breath, his scent, his touch; it’s all I knew. 

And I was happy to know only these things, for somewhere inside I knew the beauty that we possessed ~ deep soul moving connection.

I realized recently that this is what I search for  ~ a deep soul stirring fit. 

Tonight at dinner with a friend we discussed this kind of spiritual relationship and I wondered aloud if it’s possible to find it again.  Or are we destined to love only one individual this way in our lifetime? Are our souls meant to wander this life hoping to collide with a known energy? Should we settle for something that is less than soul stirring to feed other desires? Or are we better off simply living our lives on our own?

I long to feel alive again and breathe in the essence of another and know that easy just being feeling again.

I do not share, yield or love easily…

I have walls; Walls that have been built not to keep people out but to see who will have the courage to climb them so that they may get “inside”..

But will anyone have the courage, willingness and desire to do so?  Will they crave the soft, sweet, swirling core of me enough to try?

I am patient.

Live my life with no expectations.

And surround myself with gentle silent faith ~

Lovers past …

Thank you for the lovely times.

Moments of breathless intimacy

and

beautiful touch.

All of the hours spent speaking, laughing and sharing moved me.

Bits of humour known only to the two of us will linger within my cells.

Our souls collided for a reason. Whether we understand why or not.

Lessons learned

sweetness cultivated

and

kisses exchanged.

Warm heaven –

soft and delicious.

Imprints stored within the heart

now unframed yet still matted

surrounded by beating warmth.

Gone.

But not forgotten.

Time after time …

When I was younger I never thought about time.

It seemed endless and forgiving.

But as I grew older I realized time is finite.

And I wondered, how does one go from being a ingénue

to a blossomed 40 something?

The years seem somewhat dream like.

It’s as if one blink brought me forward 3 decades.

When I was 16 I longed for eighteen.

When eighteen I longed for 21.

And, at 21 I simply had longing …

Now, at 42, I desire –

a life filled with purpose

a heart full of love

passion

moments of beauty

and

unadulterated joy.

So, I now know that I must forge a mindful peace with time.

And, in doing so, I will relish every second, minute and hour that the universe blesses upon me.

Through the looking glass …

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror.

Really looked?

I did this evening and an odd thing occurred:

I didn’t really recognize the individual peering back.

There before me was a woman.

Pretty

with soft unlined skin

and blue inquisitive eyes.

But there was something else,

a feeling of familiarity mingled with the unknown.

It was as if I could see the past – present and future all at once.

There was a beautiful strength emanating from this reflection

and it penetrated the cold glass.

I waited – wanting to hear her voice.

Hoping that privy bits of worldly advice and knowledge

would spill from the painted lips.

But there was none.

As I turned to walk away, I heard

bold words of encouragement,

beauty and love.

For myself.

From myself.

Smiling,

I switched off the light

knowing …

Pieces …

I collect bits and pieces.

Memories.

Small shards of moments that I cherished.

A leaf.

Flower petals.

Ticket stubs.

Little notes.

Ribbons.

Cake toppers and so much more.

Every bit, a reminder of a precious moment once lived joyfully.

I suppose you could say that I am a true romantic. 

It seems I have always been this way. 

When I was a child I would tape conversations.  Knowing (somehow) that one day the voices of loved ones on the tape would be ever so important.

An old poetry book filled with tidbits of my life.  Now placed inside an airtight bag for safe keeping.

A mickey mouse cookie missing one ear forever living a cold (yet warm memory) existence within my freezer. 

I believe that every lovely experience has a place within my heart and mind.

So, I hold onto the tangible manifestations of all the love, laughter and life.

These moments have shaped and molded me soulfully into the person I am today.

My past is who I am

and

where I have been.

So, as I move forward into life, I will continue to gather small tokens that I find along the way. 

And, they will eventually mingle with the past, adding a rich patina to a life lived.

Auld Lang Syne …

Au revoir

Farewell

Goodbye

All different words that mean exactly the same thing – Parting.

We part with things daily.

So many little moments that for one reason or another escape our attention. 

However,  there are times when a goodbye must be acknowledged. 

Such is the case of New Years Eve.

It is a night of reflection and a time to ponder the fork in the proverbial road.

The new year gives us pause as we remember times past, people we have loved or lost and the events (good or bad) that have shaped us.

We tend to take stock of what we have and who we are.

And then attempt to better ourselves, situations and relationships. 

There are new diets to try.

Excercise regimens to begin, houses to organize and souls to purge.

We decide our path for the next 365 days on this evening.  Making lists on paper and within our heads.

The bright light of the future shines upon us, illuminating fresh possibilities, loves and spiritual heights.

But it is important to take a moment to remember what was as well. 

Because too quickly,  the memories of  the past year will fade into darkness. 

Allowing one’s self to momentarily revel in emotion is essential to letting go.

Because whether you’re ready or not the past is rapidly slipping away. 

Don’t be afraid.

If you allow the universe to ebb and flow, you’ll find your way.

I choose too believe that my destiny holds beauty, delicious love and great fulfillment. 

So tonight, at the stroke of  midnight,  I intend to walk forward. 

With peace of soul.

An available and love filled heart.

Determination.

Humility.

Courage and grace.

Happy New Year.

Cheers!