Auld Lang Syne

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It’s New Years Eve once again.

I am spending it quietly. Dinner at a quaint little Mexican restaurant with my parents, margarita included. And now cuddle time with the precious wee pup. I’ve never really been one for spectacular New Years Eve celebrations.  Last year I spent it in warm cookie monster pajama pants, sipping eggnog spiked with whiskey, whilst partaking in the yearly Twilight Zone marathon. It’s 8:36 pm and I’m still dressed, so I consider this quite the accomplishment. Not to worry though, as soon as I’m through writing this bit of fluff I fully intend to indulge in a bubble bath and the movie ‘Holiday’ with Cary Grant and Katherine Hepburn.

Oddly I’m not feeling quite as melancholy as I usually do on this night. I suppose that’s because I’ve finally come to realize that this isn’t the end of something, instead, it’s a beginning.  The chance to start fresh and write upon a blank slate.

I haven’t made too many resolutions. Just a few extraordinary ones sprinkled hither and thither, like fairy dust.

So, with that said, I’ll end this brief entry with a heartfelt wish of joy, laughter, love, peace, understanding and prosperity to you all.

Sometimes …

Sometimes the enormity of life, its lessons, sad moments, desires, wishes and realities just hits you. Somewhat like a pie in the face. And, when that happens there are many emotional responses.

Sadness. Finality. Rationalization. Grief. Existentialism. Hope.

It’s important to validate every salt filled liquid feeling that has drenched your soul.

You have earned the intensity.

But remember when the internalized storm has passed that the hope prevails.

Cling to it as if it were a life raft.

Don’t let go, for the harder you hold on the more it embeds itself into your being.

So tonight, although feeling somewhat lost in the swells, I see the hope manifesting itself as beautiful clouds floating above me.  Preparing to release bits of fluffy joy laden rain onto my lips and eyelids.

I remain ever grateful.

for my life. love of family. sweet puppy cuddles. friends and a bountiful future.

Hallelujah she exclaimed!

If it itches don’t scratch …

I must clear my head.

I awoke this morning to a mind fuzzy with dreams of pain and loss, bits of yesterday and the longings of today.

In fact I suppose I could categorize myself as somewhat sad.

There is a slight feeling of need biting under my skin and it begs for touch.

My heart and head are raging a mini war with my soul and I don’t want to be a casualty caught in the cross fire.

It’s funny how this can happen, isn’t it?

I suppose it’s all a part of the healing process.

The new skin covering the old wounds is bound to get itchy now and again.

The important thing to remember is not to scratch.

If you do, you risk a tear …

Auld Lang Syne …

Au revoir

Farewell

Goodbye

All different words that mean exactly the same thing – Parting.

We part with things daily.

So many little moments that for one reason or another escape our attention. 

However,  there are times when a goodbye must be acknowledged. 

Such is the case of New Years Eve.

It is a night of reflection and a time to ponder the fork in the proverbial road.

The new year gives us pause as we remember times past, people we have loved or lost and the events (good or bad) that have shaped us.

We tend to take stock of what we have and who we are.

And then attempt to better ourselves, situations and relationships. 

There are new diets to try.

Excercise regimens to begin, houses to organize and souls to purge.

We decide our path for the next 365 days on this evening.  Making lists on paper and within our heads.

The bright light of the future shines upon us, illuminating fresh possibilities, loves and spiritual heights.

But it is important to take a moment to remember what was as well. 

Because too quickly,  the memories of  the past year will fade into darkness. 

Allowing one’s self to momentarily revel in emotion is essential to letting go.

Because whether you’re ready or not the past is rapidly slipping away. 

Don’t be afraid.

If you allow the universe to ebb and flow, you’ll find your way.

I choose too believe that my destiny holds beauty, delicious love and great fulfillment. 

So tonight, at the stroke of  midnight,  I intend to walk forward. 

With peace of soul.

An available and love filled heart.

Determination.

Humility.

Courage and grace.

Happy New Year.

Cheers!

And The Moral Of The Story Is …

Are you sitting down?

Good. Because I have something to share that I never thought I would.

And, here goes: 

I actually identified with a character in a Lifetime Movie Network movie.

No, I really did.  

Let me start with I rarely if ever watch this channel (I am so being truthful!). But,, when I leave the house I usually turn the telly on for the pup (yes, I do) so that she doesn’t get too lonely.  And, Lifetime is rather soothing (or at least it sounds so from another room.  And really, can she tell what the plot is anyway?), hence my choice.

But enough of that…

Let’s get to the identifying part, shall we?

There was a woman who, for whatever reason is unable to have a child.  She and her husband try desperately to get pregnant, yet all options fail (even adoption).  They’re ready for a baby, longing for one in fact and yet, nothing.  When the woman finds out that she cannot conceive she is devastated.  Which leads us to me: I am too. 

I wonder what my life would be like if I had tried to conceive earlier?

I was pregnant once, but sadly I lost the baby towards the end of the first trimester.  I grieved, I wondered and then I attempted to move on.  I thought that this was the universes way of saying it wasn’t the right time for motherhood.  I thought I would have all the time in the world. 

I didn’t. 

I have walked the path of life, making decisions based on fear and uncertainty.  I feel as if I’ve made wrong choices and become somewhat lost along the way. 

I wrote briefly about my experience in February. 

Health issues, surgery and ultimately an unwanted yet completely necessary (to save my life) partial hysterectomy. 

But what I haven’t spoken about until this point is my biopsy showed uterine cancer. 

Stunned and scared I faced the issue head on.  Met my Oncologist and made plans for a second surgery (which took place in April).  The treatment for this type of cancer is complete removal of all reproductive organs, including the ovaries.  Obviously I did not want this, but did I want to risk dying? No. The decision was easy, albeit saddening.

I remember the first few hours after surgery in my hospital bed.  I was all alone, lonely, in pain and I sobbed.  I sobbed from the depths of my being for hours.  My comfort; Intravenous pain medication and antiseptic walls.  I was in hospital for five days and then released. I am now 7 weeks post operative from this surgery and life has yet to settle back into ‘normalcy’.

I don’t really know why I’m writing. Maybe it’s cathartic.  Or, perhaps I am simply trying to express how important life and the choices we make in it are. Possibly both?

I wish I had a magical wand. One that sparkled when waved.  I would change circumstances, re-write life changing moments and put ‘take this road’ signs on every turn I ever missed. 

I suppose the moral of the story is this:

Listen to your body.

Hear your heart.

Follow your instincts.

Be brave.

Embrace life.

Take chances.

Time, How Quickly You Move…

 

I have a birthday today.

Truth be told I’m not ready for it. 

When I was a little girl I used to cry when my birthday was over.  My mother would always find me curled up on my bed filled with sadness.  She would ask me why I was sad and I would tell her that all the ‘special’ was over.  There was no consoling me.

Strangely, I’m still like this at most holidays.

The only difference now is that I tend to find myself in existential crisis before and during my birthday. 

Yes, I realize that it’s a life celebration.  And, I’d absolutely abhor the alternative.  But I can’t help but feel as if I’m not quite there yet.  You know?

Rationally I know I’m loved.  I’m blessed with true friends.  I have a warm home.  A family that I adore and a puppy that is my heart. 

But I long for more.  Does that somehow make me selfish?

For the past few days I’ve been detached.  It’s self-preservation at its finest.  No emotion.  It’s all stored away in a nice and neat compartment somewhere inside of me.  To be unlocked and released, but when?

Oh yes and what about time?

I don’t understand it.  It moves to quickly, so much so that I feel as if it’s taken my breath. 

Where did the days, months and years go? 

When did I wake up 40?

Why do I have turn 41? 

Why won’t time stop, so that I can catch my breath, reassess and step back into the flow?

Will I ever feel fulfilled?

Can a spot of cake make it all better?

Life’s Intricacies…

 

  

Have you ever wondered about them?

Things such as jealousy? Cravings? Kindness? Sadness? Soulfulness? Humility? Love?  Words?

Let’s start with:

 jealousy:

It’s a wasteful emotion but one that we have all felt some time or another.  Most of the jealousy we as people feel manifests because we believe a situation to be something that it is not.  If people would only take a step back and remember that surface things have a way of deceiving, there might be less energy expended on this and more on beauty.  I know I am a person who keeps such emotions in check (or I do my best too).  If you believe in who you are, what you have and have had (with someone or yourself) then there is no need for this emotion. 

Cravings:

There are so many different kinds ~

Food, sexual, monetary, beauty.  But it all comes down to one thing, an intense longing for something.  I crave much, but sometimes  feel if you satisfy your cravings too often you may lose that thrill that comes with getting something you really wish for.  When things are too easily fulfilled does the craving (the true feeling of having one, the essence) become just another need?

Kindness:

There is to little of it in this world. Too much cruelty and intentional pain placed upon people.  If each person in this world performed a daily gesture of it, I believe that there would be a universal shift of energy on our planet.  Which would  make our lives more beautiful and our spirits richer and more fulfilled.  Life is truly about the small things, they are what matter to a heart the most.  I am always thankful for the minutiae, for  it is my air, water and sustenance in this life.

Sadness:

It’s cathartic.  The souls way of purging itself.  It’s growing pains of the spirit and beautiful in its own right.  A friend says that such emotion is earned and I would have to agree.  We earn the right to feel it and should never shy away from it.  These  feelings help make up who we are and will be.  Without it some of the most beautiful works of art, scores of music, poems and books would not exist.  We are creatures who need to be moved…

Soulfulness:

It is a depth.  An understanding of universal flow.   An intensity, that gives us the ability to relate with the earth, the moon, the stars and humanity.  I believe that most have it but are afraid to touch or acknowledge it…

Humility:

The act of being humble.  Lowering oneself so that you may experience the beauty of nature, power, want and love. It is when one strips away the ego and bares themselves to the universe or another person. Giving up control so that they may ebb and flow gently at the behest of something more powerful than themselves.

Love:

An intensity that wells within and at some point or another must be released, shared, given and respected.  To many give love in the hopes of receiving it or something else in return.  But I believe that the love that you give is the true gift in itself.  Not all love will be reciprocated.  Not all gestures of the heart and soul can be fulfilled in kind.  However, if you let the true essence of love saturate your being you will know what it is to be truly blessed. 

Words:

Words may be  forgiven but never forgotten. They manifest as a caress or a slap and they are strong and deep.  Words; simple letters strung together but when infused with emotion stir to life in all their beauty. Be careful how you use them, for they can mislead, hurt or bring great happiness in their power.

Just a few thoughts…