Resolute.

Upon wishing me “Happy New Year” this morning, my mother proceeded to ask if I had any resolutions. My answer was “no”.  However, I’ve come to believe this is not the case. I do have one very important resolution – to thrive.

The dictionary defines thrive in this way:

Thrive

[thrahyv] Show IPA

verb (used without object), thrived or throve, thrived or, thriv·ing.

1.

to prosper; be fortunate or successful.
2.

to grow or develop vigorously; flourish: The children thrived in the country.
Origin:
1150–1200; Middle English thriven  < Old Norse thrīfast  to thrive, reflexive of thrīfa  to grasp
It feels as if I have simply been existing. And, I want more.
I long for vibrancy, electricity, passion and grand moments of exultation.
I want to know that every breath I take, from this moment on, means something.
Sadly, I’ve come to realize that life is much too short.
Within the blink of an eye, we’re suddenly older, or sicker or simply too tired to care.
I don’t want to wake up some day and realize that this magical ride known as life has simply been siphoned away.
I no longer want to let fear hold me back. Instead, I want to use the fear to vault into the unknown. Fear means you’re doing something right, right?  It means you’re stepping out of the comfort of the known and plotting a course into a realm of possibility. And yes, there’s always a bit of failure along the way, but it’s no longer okay to let setbacks rule my existence, or the journey I will make for myself.
So, I am resolute. I want to live, thoroughly, compassionately, passionately and fully.
This is my 2014 life resolution.
My new beginning.
And yes, I suddenly have the urge to say “Live long and prosper”.  I never said I wasn’t a Geek.
Cheers!

Time spent wisely …

Moving is such tedious work. However, now and again you’ll find something worth looking at whilst packing.

This afternoon I found old pictures of my family.

It’s odd to think that at one time we all lived under one roof and called this place home. We were a unit – a whole.

How strange to think that at one time my parents were married and that I shared a bathroom with an older sister. It was a simpler time in some ways. I knew what to expect on a daily basis. I knew that when I woke every morning that I would do so to a house that was bustling with life, routine, laughter, wonderful pets and of course love.

When did everything change? How have the years passed so rapidly? When did i become an adult with adult responsibilities?

Time is strange, it usually feels as if it’s passing much too quickly. Yet it’s always the same.

There are moments, when I desperately long to recapture my youth. I want to sit quietly on a Saturday morning eating Apple Jacks while watching The Banana Splits on a great behemoth of a television. I long for the sweetness of our family dog and cats. I desire the simplicity that was childhood, even though at the time, it seemed anything but simplistic.

But don’t we all now and again?

So, I allow myself a bit of dwelling, and then I pull myself out of the reverie, with the thought that yes, sometimes being an adult is difficult. Then I walk to the kitchen, find a bit of cookie dough and eat it for dinner (something I would never have been allowed to do as a child). And once again all is right with the world.

Okay.

I miss you.

Your words so crisp

intimate tones

the prospect of fingertip caressing moments.

When I think of you butterflies still erupt forth

fluttering their wings from the inside out.

Time.

It just takes time.

And timing is everything,

isn’t it?

Why …

I sometimes wonder about the why’s of life.

Why do we let ourselves fall into an emotional life with some and not with others.

Why do relationships end?

Does it do any good to even try to figure such things out?

When love is forsaken how do you go on?

Does time heal all wounds, or do we heal them ourselves with time?

Where does the love go once it’s no longer shared?

Does it float gently into the ether and linger softly around us as spiritual dew?

Or does it permeate others who are in the new and lovely phase of knowing.

Pollinating souls …

What of the residue that lingers? Why does it do so?

And, how do we protect ourselves from repeating the pain again?

I am thoughtful, and it’s at times like this that I truly wish I knew the ‘why’ of it all.

If only the universe would share its secrets.

If only my heart could rise above …

rise.

rise.

rise.

Until all I feel is the wispy tendrils of clouds, as they curl lightly about me.

Why?

It finally hit …

It’s official, exhaustion is mine.

It seems like the past five months have lasted a year.

There has been heartache, surgery and an all around effort to help others (constantly).

It hit me (out of the blue) how much I have to do in the next month.  And, I suddenly feel somewhat overwhelmed and apprehensive (even though it’s all going to bring me to a lovely place).

I have kept myself so busy all these months that I literally haven’t had the time to think (it’s a great tool and much undervalued in life).

I’ve also spent very little time at home in the past three months(great for my energy bill bad for relaxation).  So, when I arrive there on Wednesday, I have allotted myself approximately two days to do nothing.

This nothingness should include – doing nothing – sleeping – reading – catching up on recorded shows on my DVR – one on one puppy time and sleeping (did I mention that already?).   After the two days expire I will begin the real work.  Packing my entire home, reducing my belongings, finding movers and finding storage.

Here’s a little known fact:

I don’t do well under this kind of pressure (Truth be told I am a girl who requires a bit of supervision at times).

The good thing is that I am aware of my shortcomings.

The bad thing is there is nothing I can do to make it better (lists you say? I lose them. Trust me).

I’ve already begun dreaming about losing my little dog, only to find her later bubble wrapped and packed in a box marked valuables. No. Really.

What’s a girl to do?

Does anyone have a magic wand or a sprinkling of pixie dust?

Rant over.

Carry on.

Lovers past …

Thank you for the lovely times.

Moments of breathless intimacy

and

beautiful touch.

All of the hours spent speaking, laughing and sharing moved me.

Bits of humour known only to the two of us will linger within my cells.

Our souls collided for a reason. Whether we understand why or not.

Lessons learned

sweetness cultivated

and

kisses exchanged.

Warm heaven –

soft and delicious.

Imprints stored within the heart

now unframed yet still matted

surrounded by beating warmth.

Gone.

But not forgotten.

Time after time …

When I was younger I never thought about time.

It seemed endless and forgiving.

But as I grew older I realized time is finite.

And I wondered, how does one go from being a ingénue

to a blossomed 40 something?

The years seem somewhat dream like.

It’s as if one blink brought me forward 3 decades.

When I was 16 I longed for eighteen.

When eighteen I longed for 21.

And, at 21 I simply had longing …

Now, at 42, I desire –

a life filled with purpose

a heart full of love

passion

moments of beauty

and

unadulterated joy.

So, I now know that I must forge a mindful peace with time.

And, in doing so, I will relish every second, minute and hour that the universe blesses upon me.