Hello. Goodbye. Hello.

Sometimes we have to say goodbye to say hello.

It’s an oddity in life really. The last goodbyes, sometimes open up new hellos.

But are such hellos truly what we need? When we’ve let go, and done so with love, should we reacquaint?

Ah sweet mysteries of the heart.

And whilst on the subject of this pulsating organ, I must ask, why don’t the heart and mind ever agree with each other?

To which I’m left quoting a lover not a fighter, Neil Diamond:

Hello again, hello. Just called to say hello. I couldn’t sleep at all tonight, and I know it’s late, but I couldn’t wait hello. Maybe it’s been crazy and maybe I’m to blame
But I put my heart above my head
We’ve been through it all
And you loved me just the same
And when you’re not there
I just need to hear
Hello …

So, is it hello or goodbye?

If only I knew.

Everything looks better …

… on a good nights sleep. At least that’s what my mother always tells me.  And, even more so on three whole nights of uninterrupted slumber. So, with that said, I awoke this morning to an epiphany.

Yes, you heard me correctly,

I.

Had.

An.

Epiphany. 

And I bet you thought they were reserved only for the religious and saints, eh?

 

I won’t go in to too much detail, but suffice it to say, my frown has been turned upside down (yep, I’m even using corny catch phrases). 

 

It’s amazing how something so utterly small, a kernel really, can open ones eyes and terminate the bleeding arteries immediately.

It’s also important to note that ones self worth is self defined.

Happiness comes from the inside, not the outside. And, ones existence is not based on others love or acceptance.

So, as they say: “To thine own self be true”. 

And the moment you embrace this truth, you’ll truly know.

Trust me.

In the end.

What are you thinking she asks?

There is no answer. Only the silence that she has now come to know.

What happened to all the words?

It seems they were ripped violently from this plane

only to be absorbed by black matter that will never let them go.

Where is the laughter? Why has it died away? Were there no watering holes to fuel it’s liquid needs?

What of the tears?

They have dried and formed small hills of salt on the plains of her existence.

Where is the proof of lovely times past?

It has disappeared like invisible ink.  Only to be seen again when acidic juice falls upon the pages. Revealing what was but is no longer.

What of the heart?

It wills upon itself scar tissue, in the hope of covering open wounds.

But it wasn’t all bad. Right?

 

Fortune(less)

One fortune cookie in the bag.

I broke it open with anticipation.

Empty.

Nil. Nada. Nothing. Zilch.

So, I’m going with the old adage ‘no news is good news’.

Yep.

Resolute.

Upon wishing me “Happy New Year” this morning, my mother proceeded to ask if I had any resolutions. My answer was “no”.  However, I’ve come to believe this is not the case. I do have one very important resolution – to thrive.

The dictionary defines thrive in this way:

Thrive

[thrahyv] Show IPA

verb (used without object), thrived or throve, thrived or, thriv·ing.

1.

to prosper; be fortunate or successful.

2.

to grow or develop vigorously; flourish: The children thrived in the country.

Origin:
1150–1200; Middle English thriven  < Old Norse thrīfast  to thrive, reflexive of thrīfa  to grasp

It feels as if I have simply been existing. And, I want more.

I long for vibrancy, electricity, passion and grand moments of exultation.

I want to know that every breath I take, from this moment on, means something.

Sadly, I’ve come to realize that life is much too short.

Within the blink of an eye, we’re suddenly older, or sicker or simply too tired to care.

I don’t want to wake up some day and realize that this magical ride known as life has simply been siphoned away.

I no longer want to let fear hold me back. Instead, I want to use the fear to vault into the unknown. Fear means you’re doing something right, right?  It means you’re stepping out of the comfort of the known and plotting a course into a realm of possibility. And yes, there’s always a bit of failure along the way, but it’s no longer okay to let setbacks rule my existence, or the journey I will make for myself.

So, I am resolute. I want to live, thoroughly, compassionately, passionately and fully.

This is my 2014 life resolution.

My new beginning.

And yes, I suddenly have the urge to say “Live long and prosper”.  I never said I wasn’t a Geek.

Cheers!

Auld Lang Syne

It’s New Years Eve once again.

I am spending it quietly. Dinner at a quaint little Mexican restaurant with my parents, margarita included. And now cuddle time with the precious wee pup. I’ve never really been one for spectacular New Years Eve celebrations.  Last year I spent it in warm cookie monster pajama pants, sipping eggnog spiked with whiskey, whilst partaking in the yearly Twilight Zone marathon. It’s 8:36 pm and I’m still dressed, so I consider this quite the accomplishment. Not to worry though, as soon as I’m through writing this bit of fluff I fully intend to indulge in a bubble bath and the movie ‘Holiday’ with Cary Grant and Katherine Hepburn.

Oddly I’m not feeling quite as melancholy as I usually do on this night. I suppose that’s because I’ve finally come to realize that this isn’t the end of something, instead, it’s a beginning.  The chance to start fresh and write upon a blank slate.

I haven’t made too many resolutions. Just a few extraordinary ones sprinkled hither and thither, like fairy dust.

So, with that said, I’ll end this brief entry with a heartfelt wish of joy, laughter, love, peace, understanding and prosperity to you all.

Time spent wisely …

Moving is such tedious work. However, now and again you’ll find something worth looking at whilst packing.

This afternoon I found old pictures of my family.

It’s odd to think that at one time we all lived under one roof and called this place home. We were a unit – a whole.

How strange to think that at one time my parents were married and that I shared a bathroom with an older sister. It was a simpler time in some ways. I knew what to expect on a daily basis. I knew that when I woke every morning that I would do so to a house that was bustling with life, routine, laughter, wonderful pets and of course love.

When did everything change? How have the years passed so rapidly? When did i become an adult with adult responsibilities?

Time is strange, it usually feels as if it’s passing much too quickly. Yet it’s always the same.

There are moments, when I desperately long to recapture my youth. I want to sit quietly on a Saturday morning eating Apple Jacks while watching The Banana Splits on a great behemoth of a television. I long for the sweetness of our family dog and cats. I desire the simplicity that was childhood, even though at the time, it seemed anything but simplistic.

But don’t we all now and again?

So, I allow myself a bit of dwelling, and then I pull myself out of the reverie, with the thought that yes, sometimes being an adult is difficult. Then I walk to the kitchen, find a bit of cookie dough and eat it for dinner (something I would never have been allowed to do as a child). And once again all is right with the world.

Lofty Goals and Life Bits …

I have made the decision that creativity is a must. Therefore, I will be posting one bit every day starting today. My goal is to have at least 371 posts by December 26, 2014.  I seem to have fallen into the trap that is life.  And in doing so, have completely forgotten the love that I feel for the written word. This saddens me. It’s the times when we feel that we have nothing to share or say that can become the most rewarding to write. It’s not just about digging deeply into the psyche, although that is certainly cathartic at times. It can also simply be about exploring the mundane and finding the beauty, hilarity and depth of the every day. So, on this the day after Christmas I make a promise to myself to share bits and pieces of life on a daily basis. I’m looking forward to the journey. Here’s hoping you’ll all ride along with me!

Cheers!

Connections (Written in 2007, yet it seems somewhat fitting to share it once again at this moment in my life)

To me a connection is soulful. 

It is the moment that two souls realize they share a bond, whether it is from the past or present.

I believe that small connections are made on a daily basis, and that these small moments shape our minutes, hours, days and lives.  Yet we just don’t realize it at the time. 

Our  days are filled with noise, commotion, deadlines, stress and other mundane issues that insist on our attention.  So who has the time to truly see the infinitesimal moments that help to create the energy of who we are.

Then there are the larger connections,  the ones that we immediately realize will profoundly affect us in some way. 

The electrical currents that run from one individual to another for reasons that we are unaware of. 

When we unconsciously decide to share our self with another because we feel that magnetic pull. 

Walls are slowly lowered, lives are spoken of, secrets revealed and emotions shared. 

There are mental, spiritual, sexual and metaphysical connections that can be made with others.  But what happens when all of these different aspects are present? What does it mean? 

I once loved a man so deeply that I truly knew his thoughts or at least felt them.  I was aware of his needs without him ever verbalizing them.  I knew his presence from afar, even if my back were turned towards him (I could feel him and it (his energy) would cause me to momentarily stop breathing) I simply knew..

When he touched me, the entire world fell away and all I knew was a floating, warm sensation that enveloped me.  I would melt ~

His voice, his breath, his scent, his touch; it’s all I knew. 

And I was happy to know only these things, for somewhere inside I knew the beauty that we possessed ~ deep soul moving connection.

I realized recently that this is what I search for  ~ a deep soul stirring fit. 

Tonight at dinner with a friend we discussed this kind of spiritual relationship and I wondered aloud if it’s possible to find it again.  Or are we destined to love only one individual this way in our lifetime? Are our souls meant to wander this life hoping to collide with a known energy? Should we settle for something that is less than soul stirring to feed other desires? Or are we better off simply living our lives on our own?

I long to feel alive again and breathe in the essence of another and know that easy just being feeling again.

I do not share, yield or love easily…

I have walls; Walls that have been built not to keep people out but to see who will have the courage to climb them so that they may get “inside”..

But will anyone have the courage, willingness and desire to do so?  Will they crave the soft, sweet, swirling core of me enough to try?

I am patient.

Live my life with no expectations.

And surround myself with gentle silent faith ~

Notary.

Null and void.

No longer does she wait.

It was but a dream state, that felt like immersion in liquid amber.

Hot, sweet, and tangy, with a dash of salt.

Richly hued and imbued with tones of cotton candy, Crème Brûlée and swirling Sangria.

Now, simply a bowl filled with the remnants of water colours mixed together. Gently graying as each moment ticks by.

When the hues are gone, there will be nothing left.

And parted lips, that so longed to be next, will silently close.

Ending a very long chapter of the heart.